video; open

[babylieutenant]

[ Hello, the Rig. There's a young woman with the most shockingly lilac colored eyes ever to be seen peering into the camera on her communication device. She looks awkward and a little uncomfortable in the issue jumpsuit. She smiles, though. It's a very bright, winning smile, too. ]

Er, hello honoreds. My name is Lieutenant Tisarwat, of the Radch.

I'm not sure how i came to be here, but now that I am I'll be doing my best to fit in and pitch in where I can, and I hope that we'll be able to work together in the future!

[ For all her discomfort she manages to come across pretty genuine. ]

I do have a small request, however. Does anyone know where I can get some...

[ AHEM. ]

Some gloves?

Comments

[breq]

It's not the worst I've ever had, but it's certainly close.

[ She takes a sip anyway. ]

I haven't been to Athoek Station. I know it exists, but I've never been there.

[babylieutenant]

...If I talk to you here about what's happened, will others know about it? Is it safe?

[ She takes another sip of the awful tea. UGH. ]

[breq]

Jorgmund will probably know. I'll know. And that will likely be all.

[babylieutenant]

I don't want them to know.

[ She grimaces again, but not because of the tea. Then, in her native tongue--it was strange how easily she'd fallen into speaking 'English.' ]

What are the odds any of them know Radchaai, though?

[breq]

Decent, I would say.

[ They can translate everything, after all. ]

What makes you think they don't know Radchaai, lieutenant?

[babylieutenant]

They asked me all their questions in their language--which I understood, somehow. They didn't ask me anything about Radchaai or the Radch beyond who I was and what I did there.

[ She sounds... more composed. More considerate than a baby lieutenant with silly lilac eyes really should. ]

You don't suppose they could extract it from either of us without our knowing?

[breq]

I didn't think anyone could transport me across time and space like this, but here we are.

[ Breq arches an eyebrow ever so slightly. ]

I cannot begin to guess at what they can or cannot do.

[babylieutenant]

They haven't, though. They think we're a creation of this... Stuff.

[ Tisarwat frowns, then curls her fingers around her mug of tea. ]

I know you're an Ancillary, Fleet Captain.

[breq]

Do you?

[ Her tone goes ancillary-flat. ]

I suppose Anaander told you.

[babylieutenant]

No, Fleet Captain.

[ Her voice goes quiet. As much as she is the Lord of the Radch, she is also a young officer desperate for the comfort and approval of her commanding officer. Of someone who is closer to her than can possibly be explained in any way that would make sense to any other Radchaai. ]

You told me. When... After...

[ She fumbles for the words, unsure of what to say. ]

After all the business with Forsyf and Raughd and Captain Hetnys and... and what the Tyrant did to me...

[ She trails off, trying very hard not to cry. ]

[breq]

[ Something clicks; this lieutenant is far too young to talk the way she does sometimes. And exceedingly fragile, it seems, even for a young lieutenant. A chill settles over her and her grip on her mug tightens a little. ]

What did she do to you?

[ Although perhaps it's clear from her tone of voice that she already has an idea. ]

[babylieutenant]

[ Saying all of this out loud, having to explain it feels so disgusting. Tisarwat preserveres. ]>

She needed a spy on Mercy of Kalr, and since you had chosen Lieutenant Seivarden and Lieutenant Ekalu was promoted from One Amaat One... she needed someone else. And... she...

[ Tisarwat remembered the nerves. The awe. Being invited to the palace proper? It had been something inspiring, something she was going to tell her children and her grandchildren about. She had met the Lord of the Radch! Of course, it hadn't been as simple as that younger, more foolish Tisarwat had thought. She has begun to cry, unable to stop herself. Tears roll silently down her cheeks. ]

She wanted to add me to her. It's just that it was rushed and she didn't really want me, but she wanted to be able to spy on you. You... You must have worked it out because you had me sedated and had the implants that the Lord of the Radch added to me removed and--

[ Her voice wavers, breaks. She has been brave to say so much and to continue feels so much worse. There is the pain of violation. Of being unwanted and rejected while at the same time wanting nothing more than to feel comfortable and whole again. Grief, for the old Tisarwat, whoever she had been. ]

And now I'm not really Tisarwat any longer, Fleet Captain.

[breq]

[ This all makes sense, in a terrible sort of way. A future that she hasn't lived, may never live, but she recognizes it all the same. The pieces fall into place. The Tyrant trying to send her away and still control her and using some poor, unsuspecting lieutenant as a playing piece in the game. She recognizes it all and it plays out in her mind in an instant. What's more - what's more, whomever Tisarwat had been before all of this, she was gone. What sat in front of her wasn't Anaander, either. But she certainly wasn't Tisarwat. ]

Lieutenant...

[ She speaks the title, low and soft. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Because she knows what it is, to feel alone and unsure and drifting, cut off from everything and everyone that you are. To be the last piece. The only piece. Because it will never, ever be alright ever again. Not really. The wound will heal; it will close up. It will scar. But you will never feel right again. You will never be who you used to be. ]

She took something from you and I cannot give it back.

[babylieutenant]

It's not your fault, Fleet Captain.

[ She can't blame Breq. Would never blame Breq. Breq was the one who had helped her, had held her. No, there's no way she could hate or resent Breq for any of the events that had transpired, no matter how awful they had been. ]

You've done nothing but help me. And I know you can't. I don't expect anyone ever can. But you understand better than anyone else. So I'm going to help you however I can.

[ She reaches up and wipes her tears against her jumpsuit. It hurts, truly. What else is she to do, though? ]

[breq]

[ She doesn't know Tisarwat. Not really. Not like she apparently does in another time and place. So she settles for offering her a hand. ]

It gets better. I promise, it does.

[babylieutenant]

[ Tisarwat looks at the offered hand for a moment, and then gloved fingers curl against Breq's. ]

I believe you, Fleet Captain.

[breq]

I don't remember or know about what's happened between us. But I promise you that you won't have to be alone.

[babylieutenant]

[ Tisarwat's hand tightens. ]

Thank you, Fleet Captain.