I don't think you're a monster! <(｀^´)> Not in that way. ＼(｀0´)／ Perhaps you being alive hurts other people in some tangible or observable way, or at least makes living around you more awkward than for other people, but (ノ﹏ヽ) neither of those conditions are unique to being a person that needs to drink human blood to survive, and they should not be an excuse to wish for your own death nor fear your own self-control.
But, well, what a terribly lonely and alienating situation never dying would be ... I don't know how much I can accuse someone who watched everyone else they might have known pass, to find their only companions be the kind of person they'd otherwise find abominable, of being a terrible person for deciding they must be abominable, too, to have survived for so long. It's not like they must have terribly many examples to convince themselves otherwise, much less anyone else they could truly connect to anymore, to talk to about it.
I doubt it makes them less of an awful person to deal with, or be around, however.
I cannot speak to your own particular circumstances with any confidence or certainty, but my opinion is that how awful of a person you are has less to do with what has happened to you and much more to do with what you have chosen to do with or about it, within the options you have available. None of us are above making terrible decisions if life presents us with terrible circumstances and demands we make a decision within them. You are trying and you deserve to be happy! (>人<)
no subject
But, well, what a terribly lonely and alienating situation never dying would be ... I don't know how much I can accuse someone who watched everyone else they might have known pass, to find their only companions be the kind of person they'd otherwise find abominable, of being a terrible person for deciding they must be abominable, too, to have survived for so long. It's not like they must have terribly many examples to convince themselves otherwise, much less anyone else they could truly connect to anymore, to talk to about it.
I doubt it makes them less of an awful person to deal with, or be around, however.
I cannot speak to your own particular circumstances with any confidence or certainty, but my opinion is that how awful of a person you are has less to do with what has happened to you and much more to do with what you have chosen to do with or about it, within the options you have available. None of us are above making terrible decisions if life presents us with terrible circumstances and demands we make a decision within them. You are trying and you deserve to be happy! (>人<)