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[VIDEO] A formal apology
- trigger warning for: mentions of psychological torture, war crimes, and self-harm/suicide -
[Alright, so...Apology video it is. No one ever bothered to ask him his perspective, and sure he tried to tell York but he wasn't really listening. Washington and South didn't even give him the time to say anything, really, and just attacked him physically. This video is for the freelancers too, but he figures this is going to be useful to get the sympathies of other hires who have nothing to do with the events and are now being warned about him as if he's some kind of monster or someone who everyone is too good to talk to. That is just unfair.
So here he is, making a video, wearing a white shirt he would use to sleep rather than his uniform because wearing white helps the viewers perceive him as more innocent than usual. He's trying to look unkempt, to give off a more genuine vibe, but being perfectly shaven and looking fresh as a rose doesn't help much - people should get their priorities straight and ask him to drop his skincare routine instead of being upset over petty matters. Oh well, time to start. He forces himself to give the screen a slightly pained expression as he commences.]
Good afternoon, everyone.
I am the former Counselor of Project Freelancer. My name is Aiden Price.
[His lips compress and curl downwards in genuine dismay as he is not comfortable with having a name, at this point. He's perfectly aware that others, by now, are surely weirded out and thinking 'ew why does IT have a name?'. The dehumanization has got to him to the point he gladly does it to himself, clearly he's the victim here.]
For some of you, the situation I am going to adress now is from many years ago, but a select few still have fresh wounds. In fact, the reason why I waited to make this apology was that I did not want to diminish their perspective, in no way whatsoever I intend to invalidate their feelings and I acknowledge my role in the actions that damaged them to such extent. I am sure that my Agents have already shared their side of the story, and if you haven't got to witness it I invite you to do so because it is very important to listen to both sides.
[Totally not a jab at the freelancer for how much they like to bitch without giving him the time to say anything because 'it's a manipulation';. This IS a manipulation, mind you, but still. Rude.]
As you may have heard, Project Freelancer was an organization with the aim of ending the Great War to save our species through the study and usage of advanced technology, namely armour enhancements and Artificial Intelligence to run them. This was a noble purpose, and it was the reason why I signed up to partake when I was assigned to the project. Our Director, Doctor Leonard Church - may he rest in peace - was granted an AI based on himself, the Alpha. Our leaderboard system was important as it determined that only the best our agents was going to obtain the AI to run their equipment, because we cared about the protocol and didn't want our most important asset to fall in enemy hands. All was well, until...Someone else came into the picture.
[His expression darkens, mostly for show.]
Agent Texas was different from her teammates. Not only she was an Artificial Intelligence, she was a byproduct of the Alpha. She split off him. We did not even know such thing was possible, at the time. She was based on the memory of Allison Church, the Director's deceased wife, a ghost come back to haunt him. The Director was struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation ever since he lost her many years before and had to raise their daughter alone, and seeing her again caused a quick decline of his already poor mental state. At first, I wasn't able to notice it: he said that that event made him understand that it was possible to create fragments, and that he wanted to study further so that we could have more to win the war. We spent many days trying to figure out what was the key factor, and one day I found out. The key factor was trauma, and...
[It's not in character for him to cry, so he can't do it, but he can have his voice break just a little bit and then clear his throat to make it look like he's forcing himself to regain composure after a moment of emotion.]
I told him. I told him that perhaps we could obtain another one by inducing Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was a hypothesis, and I wasn't even sure it was going to succeed. It was just a hypothesis, by then, and I couldn't possibly know that we would have gotten to this point, but...I remember to this day the way his eyes lit up. He was almost excited to try it, and ordered that I went through with it.
[He swallows audibly, pretending to fidget nervously]
I pointed out the ethical issues, but he insisted, because it would have been a very important discovery. A characteristic of AI that the world, that the galaxy at large needed to know. He said he just wanted to know if it was possible, and so I gave in and complied. We worked closely during the process, and he seemed fine, explained me very eagerly all the ways I could hurt or trigger the Alpha, and our experiment succeeded.
...I know, [he raises his hands defensively] I shouldn't have. I deeply regret it, but I thought it was going to be an isolated incident. I had hoped it was, as I felt...[What's that word that whiny empaths love, anyway?] Dirty, afterwards. Upon his request to repeat the experiment, I voiced my objections, but he overruled me and even if I didn't partake personally he ran simulations to break the Alpha by himself, in hopes to figure out a way to win the war and to turn the Beta AI into an exact copy of his wife to be with her again. I was threatened with violence, and I was afraid to leave the project because the situation had already spiraled as he sent our agents on missions to steal more material to use in the process, and I was going to be deemed responsible for it as well due to my position. Certainly it was not safe for me to report anything to the authorities...
[A little self-defeating scoff, to spice things up. It's like he's painting a masterpiece.]
Of course, I am aware that this doesn't erase the damage done and I am so sorry that my Agents are traumatized and upset over this. Agent Connecticut had sensed that the project's priorities have shifted and was the first to betray us, not without reason, as a way to put a stop to those atrocities. The Director's mental state got even worse, and he started becoming more and more violent towards me. I understood that he was under severe stress as he was afraid that being exposed would erase all the progress made so far, and he kept making fragments. As I said earlier, the Alpha AI was based on the Director, and hurting the Alpha was a form of self harm for him. Not to mention that he either dedicated his time to self harming or to trying to recreate his dead wife.
You cannot imagine how hard it was to watch a man that I admired slowly destroy himself and to be unable to help, despite wanting to - I was forced to make his health worse despite wanting to help him. The whole project at large with all its members was the closest thing to a family that I got to experience, and I wanted to be there for them, but I was forced to harm them, until the AI fragments Sigma and Epsilon broke the minds of their assigned agents and everyone started killing each other. At that point I was forced to push everyone even harder. All of them, the Director, the agents, the AI...Our original goals were so cemented when we started that we searched for soldiers with a difficult past and made our offer so that they could have a second chance, I would have never imagined it to end up like this.
[He makes a little sob 'escape'.]
As a counselor who was supposed to help people, this is my biggest failure and my deepest shame. I did serve my time in prison, after being arrested by the UNSC, but I understand that I will never pay enough for it, especially since some time after our separation the Director lost his battle against depression and took his life. I was alone against everyone and everything, and I...I didn't have the strength, but I should have been stronger and capable of putting a stop to this tragedy by myself. I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I just would like you to know that I am deeply sorry.
Thank you for listening.
[Alright, so...Apology video it is. No one ever bothered to ask him his perspective, and sure he tried to tell York but he wasn't really listening. Washington and South didn't even give him the time to say anything, really, and just attacked him physically. This video is for the freelancers too, but he figures this is going to be useful to get the sympathies of other hires who have nothing to do with the events and are now being warned about him as if he's some kind of monster or someone who everyone is too good to talk to. That is just unfair.
So here he is, making a video, wearing a white shirt he would use to sleep rather than his uniform because wearing white helps the viewers perceive him as more innocent than usual. He's trying to look unkempt, to give off a more genuine vibe, but being perfectly shaven and looking fresh as a rose doesn't help much - people should get their priorities straight and ask him to drop his skincare routine instead of being upset over petty matters. Oh well, time to start. He forces himself to give the screen a slightly pained expression as he commences.]
Good afternoon, everyone.
I am the former Counselor of Project Freelancer. My name is Aiden Price.
[His lips compress and curl downwards in genuine dismay as he is not comfortable with having a name, at this point. He's perfectly aware that others, by now, are surely weirded out and thinking 'ew why does IT have a name?'. The dehumanization has got to him to the point he gladly does it to himself, clearly he's the victim here.]
For some of you, the situation I am going to adress now is from many years ago, but a select few still have fresh wounds. In fact, the reason why I waited to make this apology was that I did not want to diminish their perspective, in no way whatsoever I intend to invalidate their feelings and I acknowledge my role in the actions that damaged them to such extent. I am sure that my Agents have already shared their side of the story, and if you haven't got to witness it I invite you to do so because it is very important to listen to both sides.
[Totally not a jab at the freelancer for how much they like to bitch without giving him the time to say anything because 'it's a manipulation';. This IS a manipulation, mind you, but still. Rude.]
As you may have heard, Project Freelancer was an organization with the aim of ending the Great War to save our species through the study and usage of advanced technology, namely armour enhancements and Artificial Intelligence to run them. This was a noble purpose, and it was the reason why I signed up to partake when I was assigned to the project. Our Director, Doctor Leonard Church - may he rest in peace - was granted an AI based on himself, the Alpha. Our leaderboard system was important as it determined that only the best our agents was going to obtain the AI to run their equipment, because we cared about the protocol and didn't want our most important asset to fall in enemy hands. All was well, until...Someone else came into the picture.
[His expression darkens, mostly for show.]
Agent Texas was different from her teammates. Not only she was an Artificial Intelligence, she was a byproduct of the Alpha. She split off him. We did not even know such thing was possible, at the time. She was based on the memory of Allison Church, the Director's deceased wife, a ghost come back to haunt him. The Director was struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation ever since he lost her many years before and had to raise their daughter alone, and seeing her again caused a quick decline of his already poor mental state. At first, I wasn't able to notice it: he said that that event made him understand that it was possible to create fragments, and that he wanted to study further so that we could have more to win the war. We spent many days trying to figure out what was the key factor, and one day I found out. The key factor was trauma, and...
[It's not in character for him to cry, so he can't do it, but he can have his voice break just a little bit and then clear his throat to make it look like he's forcing himself to regain composure after a moment of emotion.]
I told him. I told him that perhaps we could obtain another one by inducing Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was a hypothesis, and I wasn't even sure it was going to succeed. It was just a hypothesis, by then, and I couldn't possibly know that we would have gotten to this point, but...I remember to this day the way his eyes lit up. He was almost excited to try it, and ordered that I went through with it.
[He swallows audibly, pretending to fidget nervously]
I pointed out the ethical issues, but he insisted, because it would have been a very important discovery. A characteristic of AI that the world, that the galaxy at large needed to know. He said he just wanted to know if it was possible, and so I gave in and complied. We worked closely during the process, and he seemed fine, explained me very eagerly all the ways I could hurt or trigger the Alpha, and our experiment succeeded.
...I know, [he raises his hands defensively] I shouldn't have. I deeply regret it, but I thought it was going to be an isolated incident. I had hoped it was, as I felt...[What's that word that whiny empaths love, anyway?] Dirty, afterwards. Upon his request to repeat the experiment, I voiced my objections, but he overruled me and even if I didn't partake personally he ran simulations to break the Alpha by himself, in hopes to figure out a way to win the war and to turn the Beta AI into an exact copy of his wife to be with her again. I was threatened with violence, and I was afraid to leave the project because the situation had already spiraled as he sent our agents on missions to steal more material to use in the process, and I was going to be deemed responsible for it as well due to my position. Certainly it was not safe for me to report anything to the authorities...
[A little self-defeating scoff, to spice things up. It's like he's painting a masterpiece.]
Of course, I am aware that this doesn't erase the damage done and I am so sorry that my Agents are traumatized and upset over this. Agent Connecticut had sensed that the project's priorities have shifted and was the first to betray us, not without reason, as a way to put a stop to those atrocities. The Director's mental state got even worse, and he started becoming more and more violent towards me. I understood that he was under severe stress as he was afraid that being exposed would erase all the progress made so far, and he kept making fragments. As I said earlier, the Alpha AI was based on the Director, and hurting the Alpha was a form of self harm for him. Not to mention that he either dedicated his time to self harming or to trying to recreate his dead wife.
You cannot imagine how hard it was to watch a man that I admired slowly destroy himself and to be unable to help, despite wanting to - I was forced to make his health worse despite wanting to help him. The whole project at large with all its members was the closest thing to a family that I got to experience, and I wanted to be there for them, but I was forced to harm them, until the AI fragments Sigma and Epsilon broke the minds of their assigned agents and everyone started killing each other. At that point I was forced to push everyone even harder. All of them, the Director, the agents, the AI...Our original goals were so cemented when we started that we searched for soldiers with a difficult past and made our offer so that they could have a second chance, I would have never imagined it to end up like this.
[He makes a little sob 'escape'.]
As a counselor who was supposed to help people, this is my biggest failure and my deepest shame. I did serve my time in prison, after being arrested by the UNSC, but I understand that I will never pay enough for it, especially since some time after our separation the Director lost his battle against depression and took his life. I was alone against everyone and everything, and I...I didn't have the strength, but I should have been stronger and capable of putting a stop to this tragedy by myself. I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I just would like you to know that I am deeply sorry.
Thank you for listening.
Re: text
The apologies I tried to make in private were not listened to, hence why I wanted to make one last attempt so that I could have the time to articulate my thoughts properly, even if it is perfectly understandable that no one wants to be exposed to it. I will not be bothering anyone from now on and I will be on my own.
[The part where she asks how he is just baffles him. Nobody has ever worried about him ever and surely it will not start now that he's officially 'the monster'. He's not even going to address that blatant mockery.]
Thank you for your concern.
Re: text
[After a few moments of that, she gets herself out of bed, carefully, and carries herself and her IV stand into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her and sitting down on the toilet seat with a hard exhale of breath. She lifts her hands up and drops her head into them, and sits like that for a while.]
Mmmnnngrhhgh.
[Her heart is a muscle like any other, and right now it's trying to tie itself in a knot.]
[Eventually, she picks up her phone again.]
Completely removing yourself from the community you've been placed in will solve nothing, Mr. Price!
I am still an adolescent, and you are an adult with decades more life experience than I have had a chance to acquire. How is it that I am more capable of confronting the consequences of my actions without trying to flee from what might be asked of me in response than you! Do you think you are a remarkable man, that you will be easily redeemed or especially condemned?
You have tortured innocent people, both born and made, and at every chance to say "no" you chose instead to value your own needs over their own, when your needs were simply the desire to placate another and their needs were to be protected from harm under your care! You have taken no risks for their sake, done nothing to prove you mean a word you have said about whether you truly value their lives beyond what they contribute to your intended goals, taken no action to mitigate the suffering they experienced at your hands! AT YOUR HANDS, MISTER PRICE.
You cannot provoke pity through sacrificing your life to avoid this truth. You will not be kindly remembered for it. You will still bear the blame for what you've done. It will not grant you forgiveness, or them restitution. It may relieve them to know that you are gone, but it will not heal the damage you've done.
You ruined their lives to preserve your own. If you truly have compassionate regret for what you've done now, it would be uselessly wasted on a selfish act like suicide, whether by your goading them into it through their fear of you or, if you are a man capable of it, with your own hands.
You have a second chance here. You may never have their forgiveness, but you have the chance to devote the rest of your life to their needs, to supporting them, to truly caring enough that you might someday value their lives as if they were your own. You deserve to know what that love feels like, Mr. Price. I wish that you could feel loved like that, and know how much it makes life worthwhile, for yourself.
But you will never know what that feels like if you continue to act like this, because the kind of cowardice in the face of pain that drives a man to exert this much control over the actions and perceptions of others is never rewarded with anything but cheap, superficial satisfaction at best.
You truly deserve better than that. Everyone that has ever lived deserves better than that.
Re: text
Everytime he had a change of environment, it was supposed to be the second chance. A chance to be seen as something other than an abomination, to be treated better. It just got increasingly worse each time. Now he's here against his will, having to fight for what, exactly? He is going to be a caged bird either way. There isn't anything waiting for him, there isn't anything satisfying. He does like playing mind games, but he's been doing this over and over and over just to survive and it starts becoming less fun when winning the game of earning survival becomes a chore because he can't get away with anything anymore. Getting away with stuff was the closest thing to happiness he could get to experience, so what is the point?
Then he cringes and also feels a pit open in his stomach as he sees the 'you deserve to know what love feels like' part. He didn't expect such remark to have an effect on him, but it does: for the first time in forever he feels STUPID. Stupid, for being pitied by this random kid. He can't know love. He tried, but he can't, and has learned to live like it's his fault, but it's really not. He only knows violence, and even if he told anyone where he learned that, it wouldn't matter. The mask that everyone sees as creepy and obnoxious got him a bit of respect, at least. (Although some people would still step over him - the Director, the mercenaries, the UNSC, and even a few people from before Project Freelancer...) Whenever he showed the real him, people would stop respecting him completely. Even that is beyond the point by now.
It isn't his fault that the only way he could get someone to love him or even appreciate something he did was by lying. This girl is probably perfectly aware of it. She's calling him stupid for being incapable of feeling those pointless, overrated emotions. The Director felt love, but he was 'a monster' anyway, so why is he getting this treatment?
He feels a little tear form in his eyes from anger, but just holds back and shakes his head instead. This is all just a mockery, a cruel insult not worth looking at. He marks the message as read without responding. Then proceeds to form a block of ice with his powers and punch it out of frustration.]
Re: text
[Good thing she doesn't know any of it!]
Re: text
This time, though? He is feeling it, a little bit, because what is he supposed to do? Become a better person? That is boring, and not something he wants, and would be a lie anyway so he might as well do what he actually wants to do and mess with everyone, right? Wrong. He can't play with people anymore, he can't afford it anymore. That, and he's outnumbered, tired and getting old. Not to mention whatever Jorgmund's deal is. Whatever he does, he's pretty much screwed by now.
Maybe it could be a way out to not have others win because he won't have to change or do anything following their stupid rules, but at the same time he's also aware that it would be an even bigger win for them to just have him finally stop existing. He has to think about it. By time he's responded to all of those hate comments - and to Setsuna who was the only nice one - it's pretty much night. He'll just go to sleep and hopefully figure out tomorrow.]