[VIDEO] A formal apology

[myagents]

- trigger warning for: mentions of psychological torture, war crimes, and self-harm/suicide -

[Alright, so...Apology video it is. No one ever bothered to ask him his perspective, and sure he tried to tell York but he wasn't really listening. Washington and South didn't even give him the time to say anything, really, and just attacked him physically. This video is for the freelancers too, but he figures this is going to be useful to get the sympathies of other hires who have nothing to do with the events and are now being warned about him as if he's some kind of monster or someone who everyone is too good to talk to. That is just unfair.

So here he is, making a video, wearing a white shirt he would use to sleep rather than his uniform because wearing white helps the viewers perceive him as more innocent than usual. He's trying to look unkempt, to give off a more genuine vibe, but being perfectly shaven and looking fresh as a rose doesn't help much - people should get their priorities straight and ask him to drop his skincare routine instead of being upset over petty matters. Oh well, time to start. He forces himself to give the screen a slightly pained expression as he commences.]

Good afternoon, everyone.
I am the former Counselor of Project Freelancer. My name is Aiden Price.

[His lips compress and curl downwards in genuine dismay as he is not comfortable with having a name, at this point. He's perfectly aware that others, by now, are surely weirded out and thinking 'ew why does IT have a name?'. The dehumanization has got to him to the point he gladly does it to himself, clearly he's the victim here.]

For some of you, the situation I am going to adress now is from many years ago, but a select few still have fresh wounds. In fact, the reason why I waited to make this apology was that I did not want to diminish their perspective, in no way whatsoever I intend to invalidate their feelings and I acknowledge my role in the actions that damaged them to such extent. I am sure that my Agents have already shared their side of the story, and if you haven't got to witness it I invite you to do so because it is very important to listen to both sides.

[Totally not a jab at the freelancer for how much they like to bitch without giving him the time to say anything because 'it's a manipulation';. This IS a manipulation, mind you, but still. Rude.]

As you may have heard, Project Freelancer was an organization with the aim of ending the Great War to save our species through the study and usage of advanced technology, namely armour enhancements and Artificial Intelligence to run them. This was a noble purpose, and it was the reason why I signed up to partake when I was assigned to the project. Our Director, Doctor Leonard Church - may he rest in peace - was granted an AI based on himself, the Alpha. Our leaderboard system was important as it determined that only the best our agents was going to obtain the AI to run their equipment, because we cared about the protocol and didn't want our most important asset to fall in enemy hands. All was well, until...Someone else came into the picture.

[His expression darkens, mostly for show.]

Agent Texas was different from her teammates. Not only she was an Artificial Intelligence, she was a byproduct of the Alpha. She split off him. We did not even know such thing was possible, at the time. She was based on the memory of Allison Church, the Director's deceased wife, a ghost come back to haunt him. The Director was struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation ever since he lost her many years before and had to raise their daughter alone, and seeing her again caused a quick decline of his already poor mental state. At first, I wasn't able to notice it: he said that that event made him understand that it was possible to create fragments, and that he wanted to study further so that we could have more to win the war. We spent many days trying to figure out what was the key factor, and one day I found out. The key factor was trauma, and...

[It's not in character for him to cry, so he can't do it, but he can have his voice break just a little bit and then clear his throat to make it look like he's forcing himself to regain composure after a moment of emotion.]

I told him. I told him that perhaps we could obtain another one by inducing Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was a hypothesis, and I wasn't even sure it was going to succeed. It was just a hypothesis, by then, and I couldn't possibly know that we would have gotten to this point, but...I remember to this day the way his eyes lit up. He was almost excited to try it, and ordered that I went through with it.

[He swallows audibly, pretending to fidget nervously]

I pointed out the ethical issues, but he insisted, because it would have been a very important discovery. A characteristic of AI that the world, that the galaxy at large needed to know. He said he just wanted to know if it was possible, and so I gave in and complied. We worked closely during the process, and he seemed fine, explained me very eagerly all the ways I could hurt or trigger the Alpha, and our experiment succeeded.

...I know, [he raises his hands defensively] I shouldn't have. I deeply regret it, but I thought it was going to be an isolated incident. I had hoped it was, as I felt...[What's that word that whiny empaths love, anyway?] Dirty, afterwards. Upon his request to repeat the experiment, I voiced my objections, but he overruled me and even if I didn't partake personally he ran simulations to break the Alpha by himself, in hopes to figure out a way to win the war and to turn the Beta AI into an exact copy of his wife to be with her again. I was threatened with violence, and I was afraid to leave the project because the situation had already spiraled as he sent our agents on missions to steal more material to use in the process, and I was going to be deemed responsible for it as well due to my position. Certainly it was not safe for me to report anything to the authorities...

[A little self-defeating scoff, to spice things up. It's like he's painting a masterpiece.]

Of course, I am aware that this doesn't erase the damage done and I am so sorry that my Agents are traumatized and upset over this. Agent Connecticut had sensed that the project's priorities have shifted and was the first to betray us, not without reason, as a way to put a stop to those atrocities. The Director's mental state got even worse, and he started becoming more and more violent towards me. I understood that he was under severe stress as he was afraid that being exposed would erase all the progress made so far, and he kept making fragments. As I said earlier, the Alpha AI was based on the Director, and hurting the Alpha was a form of self harm for him. Not to mention that he either dedicated his time to self harming or to trying to recreate his dead wife.

You cannot imagine how hard it was to watch a man that I admired slowly destroy himself and to be unable to help, despite wanting to - I was forced to make his health worse despite wanting to help him. The whole project at large with all its members was the closest thing to a family that I got to experience, and I wanted to be there for them, but I was forced to harm them, until the AI fragments Sigma and Epsilon broke the minds of their assigned agents and everyone started killing each other. At that point I was forced to push everyone even harder. All of them, the Director, the agents, the AI...Our original goals were so cemented when we started that we searched for soldiers with a difficult past and made our offer so that they could have a second chance, I would have never imagined it to end up like this.

[He makes a little sob 'escape'.]

As a counselor who was supposed to help people, this is my biggest failure and my deepest shame. I did serve my time in prison, after being arrested by the UNSC, but I understand that I will never pay enough for it, especially since some time after our separation the Director lost his battle against depression and took his life. I was alone against everyone and everything, and I...I didn't have the strength, but I should have been stronger and capable of putting a stop to this tragedy by myself. I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I just would like you to know that I am deeply sorry.

Thank you for listening.

Comments

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[googledox]

I'm trying to formulate a response to this, which will take further contemplation.

But for now, I think a certain 21st century human colloquialism applies. Despite the fact I did read the post, I believe it's often said sardonically even if you've done so:

tl;dr

Re: video

[myagents]

Thank you for deciding to take your time to contemplate a proper response on this very important issue. I will be waiting.

[ownperson]

[ Well. That was a fucking experience. And a whole load of information that South did not have previously, mixed in with the utterly bullshit apology stuff.

Did he just say Texas was an AI? What the fuck? The torture thing rings a bell, something North tried to tell her about probably—she has a vague recollection of one of their many arguments about the AI and their supposed humanity or whatever—but Texas being an AI is... new. Is he lying? Is that another lie?

And then there's the mention of CT and fuck, nope, not unpacking this today. ]

████ off, dude. We all know you're not physically ████ing capable of feeling guilt. You can't even fake tears for ███'s sake.

[myagents]

[He's strangely endeared hearing South's response. He's tempted to ask her to speak again as he can't hear her over the sound of the constant beeping, but he doesn't want to die so he just holds back a chuckle.]

I see that this is all new information for you, Agent South. Including me being capable of feeling guilt, apparently. I am willing to let that remark slide, but perhaps you should take your time to think about the situation and the facts that I have exposed.

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[parannoyed]

[After reading the post, Wash sees red. He's angry enough that he punches one of the common room walls - some of the only ones made of some kind of drywall - hard enough to break his fist through.]

[But he doesn't remember doing it, just looks down to see that his knuckles are bruised and scraped.]

[When he goes on the comm, his chest is rising and falling with barely contained fury.]

The crocodile tears were a nice touch.

You mentioned Epsilon. But you forget to mention the reason it "broke" my mind was because the Alpha splintered off the memories of your torture so that they got dumped directly into my head.

You also forgot to mention how you had me sectioned and instead of trying to help me get better, all you and the Director cared about was finding out if I learned enough to implicate you both.

[The irony is Wash hadn't actually been interested in broadcasting this. He doesn't like living in the past. He's too exhausted to. But the rage is a great motivator.]

I'm glad that I was able to keep my mouth shut enough to hide that I did.

Since it was partly how you wound up in a prison uniform.

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[infailtration]

[ As much as York loves seeing everyone lay into the Counselor (yes even South), he worries a little about just how angry Wash looks and sounds. For his friend's sake. ]

I should have hit him when he tried this on me alone.

Are you going to be okay?

Re: video

[myagents]

It's funny that you mention that, Agent Washington. When you were incarcerated for destroying UNSC property in an attempt to bring us down, you started working with Charon Industries. You didn't seem to care about Epsilon's well-being at the time, did you?

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[scavengineer]

So, normally I try to see the best in people. But I do feel the need to point out that if you were actually sorry, you wouldn't have spent this much time coming up with excuses for what you did.

An apology shouldn't come packaged with attempts to make yourself look better.

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[myagents]

I see your point and I completely understand. I must inform you, however, that I did apologize privately to the people involved already, and I did so without denying their experience. In fact, I had attempted to share my personal perspective only once when speaking to Agent York and when I was silenced, I understood. My Agents are upset and deeply in pain, and that wasn't a goal of mine in any way whatsoever.

The reason why I made this video is that I didn't have an opportunity to truly share my side of the issue, and I believe that I have the right to state what my real intentions were during the project, even if I wasn't able to align with them. I was not agreeing with the Director's decisions, and when I was forced to go through with them I had simply hoped that it would turn out to be a success like he believed, that it would have been worth it.

I understand why everyone is upset, and I am not asking for forgiveness, but I really am sorry.

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[bothbarrels]

[ North is normally kind and forgiving toward others. Probably to a fault.

This man is one major exception. ]

You seem to think you're getting out ahead of an information campaign but it's one that we had no intention of running.

You're doing a good enough job making yourself look bad on your own.

[ He seems about to sign off, but then adds: ]

You're spreading information in this post that isn't anyone's business beyond the people involved. These are real people's lives and some of them are here.

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[acroodawakening]

Yeah, it's a little..."I don't eat faces," says man who was never, in fact, accused of face-eating.

Makes you think maybe he's going to try to eat a face or two.

[walkingballpit]

[ A man in his early twenties looks pissed - apoplectic, even. His device is obviously set to hover mode, and he’s moving in and out of view as he speaks, half pacing and half broad gesticulation taking him a step to the side. ]

You’re a counselor. Psychologist or psychiatrist? Doesn’t matter. They both take oaths, right? Yeah. Don’t lie cause it’s common sense no matter what effed up universe you come from. You’re a counselor, he’s a doctor. You’re supposed to help people - help sentients. And that includes AI, because anything you can induce dissociative identity disorder in is People. That was a person.

But you knew that. And you’re military or military adjacent. So there’s the whole responsibility to not follow a bad order. And you knew it was a bad order.

[ He has no way of knowing, whether Counselor Price was positive that it was a bad order, but it sounds that way. You don’t beg someone to change their mind if you don’t think it’s wrong.

There’s a sense of rambling to his delivery, though, and reassurance that he’s right. Truth be told, Robbie has zeroed in on the part that he empathizes the most with - but it’s not Price that he identifies with. ]

When someone is vulnerable, and you’re in a position of power, you don’t have the right -

[ He breaks off to pull himself back together, taking a series of slow, deep breaths. Robbie tries again, speaking in a tight voice. ]

You have a duty to not take advantage of them, and you’re just ... saying how you did it and it was hard. So we... what? Trust you? Understand you? Well, I don’t understand. I’ll never understand.

[myagents]

If I may, AI were not considered 'people' back then. It was after they sent the UNSC after us that all of a sudden it became immoral, and not for the reasons that you think. The law that was made after the Director was written in order not to create assets unofficially, to keep track of them and make sure they are where they were assigned. That is one reason why your argument does not hold up.

Another reason is that the Alpha was based on the Director, with the same thoughts and feelings as him. The Director was willing to sacrifice himself, and so was Alpha, and if I really was merely interested in inflicting pain, I would have dealt with the physical version of him, don't you think? Instead I dealt with Alpha, because there was a possibility that it would have helped us fulfill our greater purpose of saving everyone. I had even proposed to have a safeword so that we could stop before crossing a line that would make him uncomfortable. This after seeing that I couldn't object much.

What happened to the Agents was an unfortunate consequence of that. I am sure that you could actually understand if you put your blatant psychological projection aside.

[fuckingaqua]

Duuuuuuude, get fucked. I can't believe you're taking the top spot for longest-winded way I've ever heard someone admit to being a tool. You know how hard that record was to break?

[ At least Felix stabbed him to keep it fresh, wow. It's only the most important peanut gallery takes today. ]

[myagents]

Hello, Private Tucker. It's nice to see your erudite contribution in all of this.

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[zerofield]

There is always a choice.

You just made the choice that your life was worth more than anyone else's.

I believe anyone who has suffered in the name of science can perfectly well imagine how "hard" it was for you to do this - or, rather, they can remember the worse feeling of being on the receiving end of being treated as something less than human. (Or, some of our number seem to prefer "sentient," which seems better here, given that our numbers are more diverse. My world didn't have cause for this terminology, so it doesn't come to me so naturally.)

It's good that you understand if nobody wants to forgive you, because I doubt you'll be receiving much of it here.

[ ...yeah, somebody never got to say this to her own captors, you've become the stand-in, Aiden. /thumbs up ]

Re: text

[myagents]

[Aw, is this an AI explaining its point of view? It's kind of cute. He's done with all the important replies so he might as well give it a couple of seconds of his time.]

I had received explicit consent to perform the simulations. Requests, even. The Alpha and the Director were the same person and only differentiated at a later stage, after we had the Alpha be taken to Blood Gulch so that he could be safe from a rogue agent that wanted to steal him to power his own suit of armour.

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[onequartershark]

[ The red-haired woman's lip curls in disgust. ]

Aiden Price. I didn't expect to ever see you crawl up out of the mud again.

I'm already having a bad week, so I'm not in the mood to play any more games with you. Let's take this from the top.

You and the Director experimentally pitted agents against one another from the first. You deliberately sowed paranoia and mistrust in a team that needed to depend on one another to function. You set us up to hurt each other and ourselves, just to push us that little bit further to... to what? Make us better soldiers? To fight the war? The project didn't even succeed at that. By the time everything fell apart, all of us were at our weakest.

[ Carolina's voice is hard as steel and strong with controlled outrage as she talks about them, about her team. ]

Excuse me if I don't have any tears for the Director's "self harm" when he was all too happy to use the fact Alpha was based on him to justify torturing him. He was so obsessed with a dead woman he couldn't be bothered to care about anyone alive, including himself, much less a copy of himself. I can't believe he actually hurt himself or threatened you, Counselor, because the Director believed he was going to succeed and nothing else mattered. He was a broken man, but he was also hard-headed, obsessive, and overconfident.

If you had cared a single iota about his wellbeing, you would have reported him and gotten him taken out of that position into the help he needed. Instead, you enabled him just so you could study all the little pieces of everyone else he broke.

[ Carolina was one of the last people to speak to her father. Carolina knows how he died and how much of a mercy it was by then. How dare you, Price, how dare you. ]

Have you told them what our goals actually were by the time it was all over? How we were lied to about who we were fighting and why?

Have you told them how not a single thing we did saved even one human life?

Have you told them how many of us died?

Have you told them what you did on Chorus after you spent all that time rotting, excuse me, repenting?

I doubt it.

[ Carolina hates this man, but she is older now. The anger has cooled. It's no longer molten rock, it's obsidian with edges sharp enough to carve out his heart. ]

I don't know what you think you're accomplishing here, but you are going to have to do a damn lot better than that.

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[infailtration]

[ York isn't replying to Price in this post, and certainly isn't going to give the Counselor the satisfaction of seeing him interact with Carolina (especially after he'd tried to use her as a trump card with him) but after the initial shock that she's here he replies. Privately.

There's something different about her. Not so much her appearance though she has matured... It's in how controlled her anger is, how she articulates herself. He wonders if she's from the point when Tucker and presumably Wash (when he has his memories) know her, but he's very impressed. As always. ]

He's either trying to get ahead of us spreading the word about him, or trying to twist things so we feel sorry for him. If it helps, I don't think anyone's falling for his manipulations.

Hey, Carolina.

[ He keeps it simple. Even York knows this isn't the moment for an icebreaker like a pickup line, despite that he's smiling slightly just because he's talking to Carolina. Something that back home he wasn't sure would ever happen again despite his certainty that she was alive. That he wasn't sure what would happen here because the assortment of people pulled in seemed to be random. It's basically his wish come true to get to see her again -- whether it's just over a network and because of this absolute abomination of a person or not. ]

video, locked to Carolia

[parannoyed]

[The last he actually remembers of her she...]

[Well. Carolina had been a good team leader much of the time, buuut her obsession with being the best? With beating Tex? Towards the end there it was enough for her to leave the team pinned down by machine gun fire.]

[And...he's not York. He's not North. They hadn't exactly been chummy. He could trust her to yank his ass out of the fire but trying to talk to her sometimes meant getting a callous brush off.]

[This, though. This reaction is pretty goddamn glorious and there is a part of him that is absolutely delighted to see her - especially when it means he gets to see her coming at Price like the fist of an angry god.]

Hey, boss.

[He doesn't know. He doesn't know that he doesn't really call her that anymore in the present, doesn't fully understand the dynamics of "partners." Of trying to lead the guys together. He can't understand their relationship and the role he had when he can't fully remember the man he became.]

Re: video

[myagents]

[He's surprised, of course he is, because AW COME ON THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OF THEM NOW? Yet hell no, he's not going to let it show.]

Oh, Agent Carolina! It's good to see you back just in time for one of your dramatic entrances.

The leaderboard system, as I said earlier, was merely a measure to determine which of our agents were more suitable to handle important assets. That is hardly a crime, I'm afraid. It is sad that you felt mistrust and paranoia towards your peers, but I will apologize for that too if it makes you feel better.

I have addressed the unfortunate shift in the project's priorities. It did impact everything, including the missions, the failures and the casualties that came with it. It was a horrible crime and I am truly sorry for it.

[Or at least, he's sorry that he got caught. Everyone talks to him as if he wasn't interested in winning the war and didn't pester the Director about it. Just because the Director was STUPID, it didn't mean that he himself had stupid goals and that he didn't want to also do good things with the project.]

As for your father, the Director, I believe it is best if we discuss him in private...

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[ownperson]

[ South is gaping. ]

Holy. ████. Washington wasn't ████ing with me.

[ Hearing Washington say Carolina was his sparring partner was little more than a footnote of the conversation that day and only seeing Carolina, matured in a way those who definitely died haven't, brings it back. She's alive. Fucking hell she's actually alive. And... here.

Couldn't Jorgmund pick up at least one Freelancer that she didn't conflict with? ...though, actually, that might be easier said than done. Ugh, whatever, she can't control who appears but she can at least control their reintroduction to each other this time. Kind of.

Things will take an inevitable turn, but maybe she can at least tell Carolina herself instead of everything she's done being further filtered through the others. Same result, but at least it's her choice then. ]

This guy's been trying ████ at least since York and I got here. Probably longer. No idea what the ████ he's trying to do, but whatever it is it's not working. He's outnumbered. Especially now, I guess. Hot damn you ████ing went for his throat.

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[passifloraincarnata]

[What a thing to get smacked in the face by as she's just innocently browsing the network from her hospital bed. She endures the entire lengthy video stream like someone might endure the sensation of a slowly-descending spike of anxiety and nausea being driven into their heart. That is to say, unpleasantly.]

[It takes her some time to put the words together, and she almost decides not to respond at all. But she had to see it. So she can't just move on in silence.]

I'm unsure what you're trying to accomplish here, Mr. Price. Wouldn't an apology like this be better privately offered to the people you've actually harmed by your actions?

Don't you think you owe the people you tortured more respect than you've shown them by telling us about this many of the worst experiences they have likely had to endure in their entire lives, and at your hands, without their consent like this? And without ours, either. You don't know what we've been through in our lives, or how what you would say might affect us, but you insisted on telling us about these things you did that we never asked to be told anyway.

Were you trying to make us your accomplices in the experience, so we want to make them look mean for not accepting it when they don't because you've implicated us with your confidence? I sincerely hope you don't mean to do that. I am sure you deserve the chance to take responsibility for your mistakes. I believe everyone does. But, whether you deserve forgiveness or not, isn't something you can force like this. Forgiving someone who hurt them isn't something anyone except those who've been hurt can offer somebody.

I hope you understand. If not, I'm very sorry.

[She sets her phone down in heavy silence, and flops backward onto the thin hospital pillow, face drawn, and paler than usual.]

[She hopes. She hopes. She fears her hopes are wasted on him. It wouldn't be the first time.]

Re: text

[myagents]

[Someone giving him the benefit of doubt and not judging him? Must be an hallucination.]

Hello. Thank you for giving a thoughtful response, I really appreciate it. You are right, perhaps I should have put some type of warning or disclaimer in order to signal triggering topics. If it was up to me exclusively, I would have only addressed this privately.

I have tried, without expecting or demanding forgiveness, but the people involved did not want to have a conversation. I perfectly understand their desire not to interact with me. I also do agree that it was indelicate of me to publicly speak about the business of our closed circle, but I wanted to express my sincerest regret and this was the only way to do so in a way that everyone could acknowledge, even if it did make me look rather bad.

If my goal here was to lie or make myself look good I would have simply preemptively dismissed whatever they could say as slander. I am not denying their versions at all, rather explaining my side and what led to the unfortunate actions of mine that took place.

Again, I am not asking for forgiveness, rather explaining my perspective. Thank you for being so understanding.

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[heterochrocatic]

████ you. I know people like you and they're all the same. They think that whatever they do is justified and if they ever apologize it's only because they want to manipulate you into something else. Get your ████ing mind games out of here.

Re: video;

[myagents]

People like me? [he echoes] I am sorry, but this sounds like you have a problem with someone else.