piper90 | video;

Entry tags:

video;

[ Much like poor Tenten, Catra is broadcasting live from the infirmary. In fact, if you squint you'll probably be able to see which bed she's in to relation to Tenten. The poor woman has been bandaged to hell and back, her head wrapped in dressings, though there's enough visible for it to be clear that whatever happened to her, it was necessary for that big, poofy mane of hair to be shorn away in order for it to be treated.

At least she's not missing half her face. When she speaks, her voice is rough and croaky. She's still recovering from whatever it was that happened to her a few days back. ]

I guess I'm alive. Don't everyone celebrate at once.

[ The jab is accompanied by a weak smile. ]

What'd I miss?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ It takes a minute for Catra to read the text message. Probably still kind of loopy. ]

Also Adora said she loved me.

OH

[Oh, damn. Okay. Just gonna quietly move this over to private messenger in case it's not something she wants the whole network to be able to see. He also switches over to video, because that seems like the right thing to do.

Sitting in bed and not looking at all "camera-ready", his hair's a mess, there are grease and oil stains from the R&D lab smudged on his uniform and the side of his face, and it looks like it's been some time since he's had a good nights sleep.]

So, that happened. I guess nothing quite brings out the real feelings like a near-death experience?

[ Catra gives a weak little grin. ]

Well, we had a big argument first. But yeah, I guess. I don't really know what it means for us. Or me.

[ THis is vulnerable. It feels weird and uncertain. But then, Jack is one of the few people here that doesn't make her feel completely on edge. ]

I thought I didn't have a chance.

[Jack wasn't great at vulnerability either. His or others. Not unless he's taking advantage of it. And while he's trying to hide that discomfort, it shows.]

If only every argument ended that well, Heh.

[That was stupid! That was a dumb thing to say.]

I mean...[It takes him a moment, unconsciously dragging an oil-stained hand through his hair as he tries to piece together what to say.] Just...try not to overthink it right now, you know? You can always figure out what it means for you guys later. Bask in the moment, leave hashing out the details for when your brain is a little more healed.

...What argument brought on "I love you"s, anyway?

It's complicated. I... tried to push her away and she wouldn't take no for answer.

[ It's more complicated than that. Catra presses on. ]

I yelled at her about, like, always being the person who has to sacrifice and throw herself into danger to help other people. How she's like, always giving up stuff for other people instead of being selfish for once in her stupid life. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted. Not what she thought she had to do.

[ She laughs weakly, again. ]

Turns out what she wanted was me, I guess?

[A cold, bitter, stab of jealousy unexpectedly hits his gut at that last sentence.

“Turns out what she really wanted was me.”

...Well...That must be nice…

It was one thing to have someone say “I love you”. Anyone can just say that. They can maybe even mean it. But for someone to want you, to potentially choose you over everything else, in his mind, that was something far more significant. And for Catra, someone who so often reminded him of himself, to have someone that felt that way about her, when he could never see anyone in his own life feeling that way about him, not even platonically, it-...well...it was a stupid thing to get pissed about, but then, most of the things he got pissed about were stupid, so nothing new under the sun there.

It’s not like he ever actually tried to make anyone like him. Hell, he spent most of his time shoving people away and making enemies on purpose. So why the hell did this piss him off so much in the first place?

And it’s not like it was Catra’s fault that he doggedly turned himself into a lonely shitty person. She was one of the few people that put up with him despite that, and without even being paid to do it.

But he couldn't just be happy for her. Of course he couldn't. He was him. When was the last time he was happy for someone else? Why'd she even have to go to him with this anyway? What did she honestly expect from him? Was she just rubbing it in his face!? WH-

It takes more effort then he would ever admit, to swallow his own bitter bile and paranoia. And that brief flash of something that crossed his face is easily swallowed up by his overall discomfort with the conversation.

Again, it takes him a moment to piece together what to say to that. And while he manages to keep any animosity out of his voice he suddenly sounds just a bit more tired.]

So...how do you feel about that?...That’s got to be a lot, right? Having someone you didn’t think you had a shot with dropping “I love you” on you, and saying you're the one thing they’re willing to be selfish about.

That's the thing, I don't think I am the one thing she's willing to be selfish about. She's too... too Adora.

[ She sighs. If she picks up on the discomfort that this is causing Jack, she hasn't mentioned it. She appreciates the guy, honestly. He had a refreshingly similar world view when she'd arrived. He was honest about his intentions. He understood what it was to be the way she was. ]

She's always going to be the one who thinks she has to save the world. And--and I think I have to be okay with that. But I can choose to stay with her no matter what happens.

[ She fidgets a little. ]

I just... I don't know what to do now.

[ She doesn't say she's sorry, because Catra (almost) never apologizes. ]

You probably don't want to hear about this crap.

Oh…

[Well that’s...hm…

Not quite the “I’d do anything for you” he mistook it for. And sickeningly, that makes it easier to squash that jealousy back down for the moment.]

It’s...fine. I’m just not used to talking about this kind of stuff. [His tone shifts to something no less uncomfortable but at least half-joking as he says--] I think most people assume I would just find a way to use it against them. Which, I probably would have.

[Plus he just hasn’t had many friends to talk about this kind of thing with in the first place. There’s also that.]

So, that’s what you meant when you said you weren’t sure what it meant for you? Trying to figure out if you’re going to be okay with that?

Edited 2020-12-04 21:26 (UTC)

If I want her, I have to be okay with that.

[ Her tone drops, unhappy and concerned. ]

I feel like she's going to literally kill herself trying to be the one who carries everything and nothing I can do will stop her. I don't want to watch that happen but she's the only good thing I have left in my life. Without her, there's no one who cares about me in the whole universe.

[ SHe sighs and leans forward, hunching over her communicator. ]

I did that to myself, though.

Edited 2020-12-04 21:51 (UTC)

[For just a secant, there's the hint of that natural compulsion to assure her that he would care, but it's squashed in a near-instant.

He knew what she really meant, and she didn't mean him. She didn't mean anyone here. All the people who had only seen one side of her and could only take guesses at who she really was and what she'd done. Sure they could care on a superficial level, but not the way she meant. And if he were her, he would have hated hearing it.

Yeah...he knew where she was coming from all too well.

But he couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud either, instead, hunching over his own com as he unconsciously mirrored her, just allowing the heavy silence to settle between them for a moment.]

Well, maybe you don't have to be okay with it. Maybe you need to be the one that keeps arguing with her and reminding her that she's worth saving, too. And maybe it won't actually stop her, maybe it will. But it managed to get her to finally tell you how she felt. That's a start, right?

That's all I can do. But you're right, it's a start.

[ She feels raw and vulnerable in an awful way. Like she's handed Jack a knife and she's pulled open her shirt to expose her bared fur and skin to him. Vulnerability sucks. ]

I know you're like, all about being a villain and shit, but don't tell anyone about this, okay?

[ She knows how that is. And yet she is trusting him. Maybe because he better than anyone probably gets where she's coming from. ]

Do you really wanna rule the world?

[Vulnerability does suck. It's so much easier to just slip back into that campy evil-boy-genius persona the first chance he gets, then to respond to her request to keep this between them with any comforting sincerity. The mischievous smile is second nature, almost compulsive, but there's at least some genuine affability there.]

Please. Like anyone here would believe my word over yours.

[And that's not exactly a return of that metaphorical knife. More of a pocketing of it and a vague insinuation that he won't use it. But he's not plunging it into her chest or holding it to her throat, and unfortunately, that's about the best she can hope to get from him.

Her last question get's her a slightly confused look. Unsure what that had to do with her and Adora.]

Yeah, this place hasn't managed to beat that out of me. Why?

The only reason they believe me is because Adora vouches for me. Dunno why--I mean, I know why, but whatever.

[ Catra rolls her eyes as best she can in her state. Ow. She winces a little, despite painkillers. ]

I dunno. Just--

[ She tries to figure out what to say. It's hard to put into words. She doesn't know Jack's situation, has no idea if it's like her own--but he reminds her of her. ]

You might get everything you want and find out it doesn't make you happy, that's all.

[What was left of that casual smirk slowly dissolves as those words settle between them, expression shifting to something harder to read. Shock maybe? Suspicion? Fear? A bit of all three?

There's something far away about the look as he physically pulls back from the communicator, staring at the gadget like it might bite him. And for what's probably too long, he just stays like that, still enough and quiet enough that it's possible Jogmunds crappy connection froze on them.]

[ She has some idea of how he might be feeling. She knows the struggle, the desire to be seen as collected, powerful, in control. Safe. She waits for those long moments before she can finally make herself talk again. ]

I was winning. And all it did was make me feel even more miserable.

[ She has the horrible feeling of exposing even more of herself than she wants, but she feels the need to push on. ]

It wasn't actually what I wanted. So. Just think about it, okay?

Edited 2020-12-06 04:55 (UTC)

[As the silence stretched on, Jack came close to snapping forward to shut the communicator off, had just started to reach for it when Catra spoke up and he froze again.

And at her words his expression softens some.]

I...

[There was a time where he would have scoffed at that, just rolled his eyes, and acted like that wouldn't be the case with him. Like he knew what he wanted and he was damn well going to get it and maybe her problem was that she just couldn't hack it.

But he had won. He did get everything he wanted. Lived that entier life. And it was gone now, or folded into itself, or however the timeline had figured best to fix itself. But he could still remember all of it. Spent a good chunk of his days actively trying not to think about it, while continuing to steer himself closer to that same end.

And he almost says it out loud. "I did win". It's right there on his tongue. There was a feeling that if ever there was going to be a time to talk about it, to get that heavy weight off his chest, it was now. But if he said it, he'd have to say everything else. Everything that came with it.

And he can't.

So he swallows it.]

...I'll think about it...

[He doesn't sound very convincing. Mostly because he has thought about it. And tried not to think about it. And always came to the same conclusion. There wasn't anything else for him. There wasn't anything else he wanted. Nothing that felt attainable.]

Edited 2020-12-06 06:10 (UTC)

[ Catra gives a smile. It's weak and tired, almost a little sad. ]

Well. Um.

[ She takes a deep breath and does her best not to look as tired as she feels and doesn't really pull it off. ]

I'm not good at this, but you can talk to me whenever, okay?

[ She knew what it was to feel vulnerable and to feel that that vulnerability made her weak. A target. She was doing her best to unlearn that now. And maybe she could help Jack a little, too? ]

[Jack wasn't any better at saying "thanks" than Catra was at saying "sorry". Not when it counted. But he numbly nodes at the offer.]

I'll keep that in mind.

[Having someone not only reach out, but admit they’d been down the same road as him, gotten close to controlling the world and had only been worse off for it, it was...well he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about it.]

I should probably let you rest. [And get himself a bath...in a sink...with his roommate posted outside the door so he didn't have to die on his own or end up joining Catra in the infirmary. Isn't life on the Rig grand?]

I um...I'm glad you're not dead.

I'm glad I'm not dead, too.

[ Catra smirks a little, some of that old, smug energy radiating off of her. ]

Gonna sleep now I think. Talk to you later, Jack.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

video;

no subject

[>>Private>>Video]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject