Adora | She-Ra (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
princesspower) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
piper902021-01-28 08:05 pm
princesspower) wrote in piper902021-01-28 08:05 pm
Entry tags:
[locked to new hires] post-babadon't
[ Adora fidgets with her communicator, staring at the screen, her brow furrowed as the video feed starts up. She's in a bed in the infirmary, with some bandaging on her head where she's was previously bleeding from the scalp. She looks tired, mostly. ]
Hey everybody. I just - I guess I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let myself get taken out like that. Everyone had to deal with that because of me. I screwed up. I won't let it happen again. Uh - I guess that's about it.
Hey everybody. I just - I guess I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let myself get taken out like that. Everyone had to deal with that because of me. I screwed up. I won't let it happen again. Uh - I guess that's about it.
no subject
no subject
She thinks she does know, but she also can't let herself choose. She can't let herself be selfish, because the world - the universe - needs her and she can't give up on it. She can't chose for herself. She's never tried to be selfish. It's how she is. She gives and she gives and she gives until she's empty and then she keeps trying.
And she's also probably lowkey suicidal, but that's another story.
no subject
Saturday has a sense of having stepped out on what seemed like frozen ground and finding out it was thin ice. There's something here that goes a lot deeper then the usual sturm und drang.
Although six months ago, nothing about this would have struck her as usual. She can feel some sort of way about that another time.
"Somethin' I can help with?"
no subject
no subject
She's still sitting, forearms braced against her knees, looking up at Adora. Not a threat, not a position of power. Just a worried friend.
no subject
no subject
The worry is not receding. Letting Adora go would be correct; it's what she's said she wants, and she's the expert in herself. Saturday reminds herself how much trouble she's made for herself and others by assuming she knows best, and still can't shake the gnawing worry that letting Adora go off alone would be a bad idea.
"What do you want to think about?"
no subject
"That's all."
no subject
no subject
"Everyone else seems to think I don't know what's good for me."
no subject
She chews on her lower lip a bit, looking inward and distracted.
"Well, from where I'm sittin', it seems more like people are seeing someone walking around with a broken leg saying she's fine, and wondering what in the hell she's saying that for. But - " a sharp nod, as she comes to conclusion. "We also don't actually know each other that well, do we? We've got a lotta facts about each other, but we don't know. So - okay. What do you know, then? Like what are we missing? What would be good for you?"
Her face is open, her voice sincere. This isn't a challenge, or meant to undermine her. She's asking, because Adora's right - no one actually has.
no subject
"Nothing! Nothing is missing! I know what I have to do!"
Not quite true. She doesn't think of herself as needing anything because she doesn't think she really deserves anything. She needs to handle the universe. The world. She has to give as much as she can. To take anything back from the world? No. She can't do that.
"What's good for me..." She frowns, brow furrowed, "Why? What does that matter? I don't need to worry about that."
no subject
Saturday waits for the answer without trying to anticipate the response. She's learned, painfully, that that's the only way to do. At least, when you really want to reach someone, and not just con them into going along until the goal's been met.
But the first step is the immediate need. Adora doesn't feel listened to, so - Saturday will listen.
no subject
Or that's how it feels, anyway.
"They don't get it. I have to do this - I have to do all of this."
no subject
"Have to do what, exactly - what responsibilities? I logged off after I said my bit," she explains. "Didn't look to close at what everyone else was saying, just checked no one was blaming you more'n you already blamed yourself. Mostly what I saw was people sayin' not to be too hard on yourself over it; pick yourself up, dust yourself off, an' keep goin'."
She starts to shrug, frowns, then decides to hold her peace. There are other things she wants to say, about the whole not-getting-it thing - she suspects the problem might be more that they get it too well. That might not be helpful at this point, though.
no subject
It's more complicated than that. It always is. But that's how it feels to Adora.
"I can't let myself get slack. I have to keep going."
Although now they're drifting onto another topic entirely.
no subject
"I didn't see anyone sayin' that? Just not to be so hard on yourself. You ain't the only person here carryin' the world on their shoulders," she points out. "Don't mean that as a criticism, it's just true. Like, back home, everyone I love is preparing for a final battle that we either win or us and the whole world dies a long, slow, ugly death. It makes me fucking crazy that I'm not there. That I'm a fucking prisoner on a useless deathtrap in a dying world when everyone I'm responsible for is in danger - "
She cuts herself off. Not about you, dumbass.
" - point is, from what Catra's told me, you're the only person on your level back in Etheria, am I wrong? So maybe there, it is all on you, 'cause no one else can meet the threat. But if you ask around, a lot of people here are dealin' with or have dealt with world-ending shit, with being the only person or one 'a the only people who can deal with it. I think sayin' they don't understand is kinda overstating it. Might be," and here she gambles, "some of it is them understandin' too well, you know? What it's like to have something precious in your hand and drop it, even if someone else had to pry it from you first. You always think you coulda just held on a little tighter."
The ever-present grief and guilt surge forward, eager to remind her they're there, and that she deserves them nipping at her heels. She tilts her head forward, hiding her eyes behind her bangs, so Adora won't see. This isn't about her feelings, no matter what old wounds it jabs.
no subject
"I... I know. Other people have to deal with this kind of thing back home. They're responsible for their worlds, for their problems, their threats. I just - I can't stop being who I am. The people here are my friends now and I have to protect them, right? And... if I can't protect them... what am I doing here?"
She means the right. But there's the sense that she might really mean here as alive or present.
no subject
Put it aside. Carry on.
"Like..." she says it slowly, processing as hard as she can. "Do you think they'd be happy if you went away? Like being able to protect them is the only reason they like you, so if you can't do that, they won't care if you live or die? 'Cause I know Catra doesn't think that. I know I don't think that."
cw: suicidal thoughts
"No... I don't think they'd be happy if I left or died."
Although there's a dark part of her that doesn't care if she lives or dies, in the end. If she has to die in the process... wouldn't that be OK? Wouldn't that simply be the best way to give of herself? No, it's more that Adora doesn't care if she lives or dies and she sees her death as an acceptable price to pay.
"But being able to protect people... I'm good at it. And better me than someone else."
Re: cw: suicidal thoughts
She frowns, trying to think of how Maggie would put it.
"Like... we do this hero shit, right, because we think everyone has the right to live an' be happy. That includes us. If someone was in front of you - if Catra was in front of you, saying it would be better if she had died instead of failing, would you think she was talking sense? An' if you wouldn't, then what makes you different from her - what makes the right she has t' life an' happiness more important then your own? It can't be her feelings, 'cause she doesn't feel that way."
no subject
"And the difference is... I can do that. I can actually fight on that level. I can take that power."
Although she could still potentially die, but that seems trivial.
"I don't want to die, Saturday. Just - if someone has to die... I don't want it to be one of my friends."
no subject
"But why does you bein' She-ra matter, exactly? Like, okay, it means you can do more, take more, fight harder. But it doesn't make you invincible, right? You're operating on another level, but you can still fail. So the question still stands, I think? Let's pretend you didn't get the lightshow back, or it was Catra who got it instead, if that helps. Would the same rules apply to her if she had the power, an' you didn't? Would you tell her go on, go ahead, you're the one who has to die, you're the one who's got the carry the load, all by yourself, and I won't help you because you shouldn't need it?"
She spreads her hands wide, almost pleading.
"Why should being She-ra mean you don't get to live an' be happy, that you gotta make the sacrifice play? Who ever said that that was your job? Isn't that something you kinda decided for yourself, without even asking anyone if that's what they want from you? I'm not saying don't fight, don't be a hero, but... did anyone ever actually say that it was all on you? Or did you decide that on your own? Who has ever actually asked you to carry it all by yourself?"
no subject
"No one asked me, it's just... that's how it's always been."
That's how she's always felt. For as long as she can remember. She had to put herself between Catra and Shadow Weaver. She had to be the best, she had to be perfect, because if she wasn't, someone else would suffer for it. So if she can take that ultimate hit at the end, shouldn't that be for the better?
"Better me than anyone else."
no subject
Shit. Now she's starting to cry a little.
"I think Catra an' the rest were trying to say the same thing. They don't want your heroic death. Heroic deaths make good stories, but they're still deaths. You still wouldn't be there anymore, after. How could they be happy with a victory at that price? Would you be?"
She's speaking slowly now, feeling it out as she goes.
"My pops - raised me to do great things. Be a hero. Ever since I can remember, that's all I ever wanted. Then I got to actually go do hero stuff and you know what? It fucking sucks. Nobody should have to be a hero. Not all the time. It's too damn much to ask of anyone, and that includes yourself."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)