Mac Gives Dating Advice

[morebetter]

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

Comments

[just_rogue]

Suddenly Ah kinda don' feel so bad about mah powers.

[morebetter]

What's those?

[just_rogue]

Ah can't touch people without it hurting them, taking their memories an powers if they have 'em. Means two things; one Ah keep mahself covered up all the time an' two Ah never have ta worry bout guys like you.

[morebetter]

That's such a bullshit power. I'd rather have lasers, dude.

[just_rogue]

Had them, had better, had worse. All depends on what's needed at the time.

[morebetter]

You're so lucky you got lasers.

[just_rogue]

Ah know a fella who'd disagree, but there are some cool powers out there.

[morebetter]

Well yeah, teleportation and immortality and mind control are pretty badass too.

[just_rogue]

Reality bendin', probability changin', telepaths, I know one guy with a tongue like a toad. It's not always great powers, but the folks that use 'em ta help others make the best of what they have.

[morebetter]

That sounds like a lame way to use your powers. Other people suck.

[just_rogue]

You realize that to me you're one of those 'other people'?

[morebetter]

Sure, but I don't need rescuing from a chick.

[just_rogue]

[ Deep breath, she's trying to practice that calm the Professor taught her. Trying to understand that there's just no reasoning with some folks and they will think what they will think. ]

Let's hope ya never do.