piper90 | Entries tagged with mackenzie haynes

[That horrible alert sound goes off on all their communicators, and after three minutes, Richard Washburn shows up on the screen. He clearly hasn’t sleep, although he’s just as clearly doing his best to hide that fact.]

Good early morning, hires. Unfortunately, it seems like there’s been very little forward progress on identifying which of you is the shapeshifter, and just as little progress finding the body of whomever it’s impersonating. We’ve spoken with some of our foremost scientists and they believe with a significant degree of certainty that this Stuff creature can only impersonate child-friendly figures.

Some of you have petitioned me and have made compelling cases that no child would ever want anything to do with you, and as such I’m clearing you for release for an internal mission to find the body of the person who was replaced by the impersonator. The following people are cleared to leave…Mr. Price, Mr. Winchester, Agent South Dakota, Agent Washington, Ms. Burnham, Ms. Kerrigan, Alia, Agent Tucker, Mr. Loken, Ms. Haynes, Guts, and…Mr. McDonald.

Hopefully they’ll be alive still.

For the rest of you, it’s been pointed out to me that there are ways you may be able to examine each other and determine who among you is a shapeshifter, and that you may need to demonstrate powers or look at each other in person. As such, while the living quarters as a whole remain locked, you are all released from your dorms and may mingle with each other.

The higher-ups have gotten impatient with this entire thing, so if you haven’t identified the imposter in the next…[he checks his watch]…two hours, my hand may be forced and I may need to utilize your collars to see if we can use discomfort to force the creature to reveal itself.

Please continue to keep me updated.

piper90npcs

[In the middle of the night, when even the night watch shifts should be pacing through the dorm area, there’s a peal of noise from the communicators impossible to ignore or sleep through. It’s clearly an alarm of some sort, like tornado alerts back on Earth. It goes on for solid three minutes, long enough for everyone to move on from being woken by it to loathing it, before a message shows up on the communicators-

-and the doorways out of each of the dorms are sealed with a semi-translucent forcefield.

On the communicator screen, Richard Washburn shows up and straightens his tie.]

Hello, employees. Believe me, I’m not any happier about this midnight interruption than you are, but we’re currently in a state of – mild – emergency. I don’t want anyone to get overly excited, but until the situation is resolved, you will remain in your dorms. Depending on how long this takes, all activities scheduled for tomorrow morning have been suspended.

The reason for this is that we have an intruder in your living quarters. We have this footage from a few weeks ago.

[A new image shows up on the communicator: a security camera video of a Santa Claus with a line of the highest executive-level parents and their small children waiting to tell him their wishlist. A little girl in pigtails and a sparkly t-shirt of a Christmas tree hops up onto his lap.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Santa says, and he boops her nose. “Aren’t you a peach? Tell me, little one. What would you like for Christmas?”

“I want a big plastic spider!” the girl says excitedly.

“A creepy little child, aren’t you? Well, that’s just swell, because that’s my favorite flavor,” Santa says, and then – blurry on the security camera footage – transforms into a mass of black goo, latching onto the little girl’s face and suctioning to stay on. The child’s mother screams and yanks her daughter away, and the footage shows pure pandemonium as some parents lunge forward to help the mother with her daughter while other parents snatch their own children and start running. In all the chaos, the black goo vanishes.

Washburn flicks the footage away and reappears on the screen.]

Thankfully, there were no fatalities in this incident, and after we couldn’t find any evidence of the attacker, we assumed that it was a freak incident of the Stuff. However, there was recently another unsuccessful attack on a teenager by this same creature posing as one of the tutors on the Rig, and then again on another thankfully unharmed child disguised as another child, and then on another child under the guise of a children’s television show host named “Mr. Rogers”, and tonight-

[He takes a deep breath, annoyed, as if this is somehow the Hires’ faults.]

-tonight we found a security breach to your floor, and we have good reason to believe that the shapeshifter is posing as one of you.

We know this: we know it poses as figures appealing to children, so for obvious reasons, you won’t be allowed anywhere near any Jorgmund staff whatsoever until this is resolved. We know that its ability to disguise itself is relatively seamless. And we know that it preys on minors.

If you can determine who among you isn’t at all appealing to children, we can consider releasing you from your dorm and discussing next steps to search out whoever’s been replaced.

If this starts taking long enough that it jeopardizes the Jorgmund’s mission, we may start taking more drastic measures to ensure that we aren’t harboring any imposters.

I’ll keep you updated if you keep me updated.

morebetter

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

( I’ve made a visual aid for the illiterates. )

fromfryingpantofire

[The video comes up on a back corner of the library, where Sam's set up a little research table of his own. Not that there's much there. For all that they have a 'library', it's really not all that interesting. Definitely none of the things that he's used to being able to find.]

[Though it is at least a QUIET section of the library. Nobody much comes back there. Of course, if it was anybody other than Sam, they'd find that corner to be nearly devoid of wifi signal.]

[How does Sam have signal? Nobody knows.]

So. I know that there are a few of you here who aren't too keen on the whole idea of the supernatural and magic and things that don't make sense to the rational mind. And believe me, I get it. If I hadn't grown up with this sort of thing, I'd probably be right there with you.

I also get that we don't know for certain that what we're facing IS something that's supernatural. After all, there are other explanations for what she can do. Some of us have powers that we never had at home as an example.

However, if she is, there are a few things that you can carry that may help either ward her off or fight her off. None of them are heavy and we have access to at least a few things that would work.

[He reaches off screen and brings out a salt shaker from the cafeteria.] Salt. Table salt will work just fine. My brother and I buy a lot of Morton's back home.

Anyway, salt has been an ingredient in purifying rituals for millennia. It's often used to ward off evil spirits and cleanse an area of bad...juju, for lack of a better word. Back home, spirits can't cross a line of salt, so a quick and easy ward was just to pour lines of salt across any entrance to a room. Shooting rock salt into a spirit would disperse them, too.

There's stuff that works better when it comes to spirits, but I don't have access to the supplies I need for them. Salt is nearly as old school as blood, though, so it should do you in a pinch.

Second. [He reaches off to the side again and comes back with a firestarter.] This one is a lot more difficult to get hold of, so this may be something more to look for when we go on missions. Iron. Again, just about as old school as it comes. There are a lot of things that are weak to iron, including the Fae. If you have the ones from the right stories, at least. A good length of rebar that can be wielded like a sword or a bat is great. Again, good for dispersing a spirit, though it won't get rid of them entirely. It'll buy you time to get back up, though. So, again. Useful.

The third isn't really useful for ghosts or spirits, but if the salt doesn't work, then maybe this will. [Out comes a water bottle.] Holy water. Mostly works for demons. Won't kill them, but will cause harm and may burn them. Again, good for buying you time to get away and get help. Luckily, I was able to pick up a rosary on the last mission, so I can make as much as we may need. I tend to also throw a handful of salt in for a twofer.

As far as I know, we don't have access to any, but another good all around weapon against the supernatural is silver. I'd suggest keeping it away from those among the New Hires that might have an allergy to it, but there are a LOT of supernatural creatures out there that are weak to it. Again, purifying qualities that have been in use for a lot of centuries. And another thing to keep an eye out for on missions.

[Sam settles the items in front of him.] I'm not going to say any of this will keep you safe. That's not a promise I can make, especially since we don't know what, exactly, our enemy is. At best, I can say that they might be able to help. At worst, they're inert and you're no worse off than you were a moment before. At this point, though, I think we can use any edge we might be able to get.

[He folds his hands, leaning forward on the desk.]

Any questions?

ragefeathers

First of all ████ this shit.

[ Mackenzie Haynes is one very unhappy looking young woman. She is dressed in the typical new hire garment and she glares at the camera on her device like she might be able to burn a hole in it. That changes to an almost unhinged level of outrage when she realizes that the application is bleeping out her curse word. ]

What the ████?

Why can't I say ████?

So not only did I get ████ing kidnapped, I can't even cuss about it? This is bull████.