piper90 | Entries tagged with nora valkyrie

Alright, locking this because if the guys in the other rooms are being anything like us there's messes we don't need the corps seeing us fuckin' making, or worse, but whatever, point is:

[ South holds up a colour printout of all the current Hires faces, with all the teens and younger circled, but numerous others' faces crossed through with Xs:

Guts
Kevin Armstrong
Breq Mianaai
Ronald McDonald
Alia
Dan Sagittarius
Agent Washington
Agent New York
Agent South Dakota
Sarah Kerrigan
Aiden Price
Lavernius Tucker
Carolina
Agent North Dakota
Nora Valkyree
Sam Winchester
Brandon Saint John
Rune Saint John
Garviel Loken
Mackenzie Haynes
Rogue ]

We found a fuckin' doozy. Gonna guess the crosses mean we specifically weren't what this thing was fuckin' looking for in a target for copying.

Like we said earlier, we also found Santa's sack in the shower like the thing was trying to wash it out and a whole lot of candy it probably dumped from it. The closet in here was missing a medium uniform and the locks in here are all fucked, but like... carefully fucked. And... that's it? [ she looks over at Kerrigan as if to confirm, then back at the camera ] So far, anyway.

What the fuck's everyone else found? Assuming we haven't been the only team actually getting shit done.

tarnishedavenger

So, we've got a load of new people, and that means it's time for me to do the only thing it feels like I get on these comms to do anymore: AMAs.

For you new people, I find it helps when we get together and explain a little bit about ourselves, any powers we have, and our skillsets. That way we know what we're starting with and what we can build off of. So, please, come and introduce yourselves and be willing to answer questions.

morebetter

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

( I’ve made a visual aid for the illiterates. )

runes_brand

[Brand has been kidnapped, disarmed, and tortured with bad slide shows, electric shocks, and small talk. Today can officially get fucked. At least fallout from the fucking "Go-Away bombs" hasn't suppressed his bond to Rune -- he can feel him just fine, even if he's not entirely sure what to make about the emotions he's getting. But that can be resolved and soon as he fucking finds Rune, which would be easier if he had any fucking idea of where to start.

The sensor in front of the Mess only gets a scowl, and Brand stalks off to find another place to hole up and try and get in touch with Rune. It doesn't take him long to find something that looks like a corporate break room threw up on itself.

When an unfamiliar face appears on the network, it's wearing a near-homicidal expression, because that's just how Brand looks when he doesn't fucking know where Rune is.]

Where the [BEEP] is Rune Saint John?

[Do you answer this angry stranger about one of your fellow New Hires? Or do you try to find out more?]

valkywhee

[Nora's holding her comm like she's grabbing someone's lapels, and the resulting angle is weird, but it doesn't hide that she's looking a bit. Intense at the moment.]

Where can I get a bunch of Lightning Dus--uh, electricity in a hurry? It's important.

tarnishedavenger

[Armstrong hates to do this after so many people have introduced themselves in locked channels, but they at least need to put on a show of meeting for Jorgmund's sake.]

So, we've got a few new people here since the last time we did something like this. Time to get introductions done and over with. Just list your name, powers, if any, relevant facts, and, if you feel like it, answer reasonable questions that people have. We'll be able to function together more effectively if we know more about each other. Keep it sensible and try not to wheedle out any dark secrets.

Or, you know, old people can tell people why Taco Tuesday is the best.

garmr

[Guts’ voice will be jumping in at the crack of dawn, and he’s pissed.]

If you don’t wanna die in this stinking metal heap, then listen up.

Adora found Setsuna and Tenten after someone tried to kill them. They'll live, but they're in bad shape. Real bad. The guards were useless, as you would expect.

They were attacked in one of the locked halls while we were sleeping, around the west side of the Rig. No one knows who did it, so keep your eyes peeled. Don't wander around alone if you don't have to.

Unless somebody’s got any better ideas, we should mount up a night watch until the bastard is found - in shifts and in pairs. Any of you that can fight and have a sharp eye can chip in. Don’t expect many of us to be getting much sleep, anyway.

turntex

[The wall of text that springs up in the locked network is anonymous, the user just signed as "tg". It's probably obvious anyway to anyone who's talked to Dave a bit, even without his standard obnoxious custom font and shit, but give him a break. This is pure ulfiltered stream of consciousness.]

so ive been thinking
in theory this whole secret secure network is cool and all
like hell yeah got our shit on lockdown we are safe as fuck chatting away here
but im pretty sure most of us still have more reservations than an olive garden during the dinner rush
the waits an hour long and all we can do is sit in this shitty crowded lobby smelling that sweet knockoff italian grub
anyway the guy who put this whole thing together is probably cool and it doesnt seem like anyone code savvy has found anything to be concerned about but it still seems kinda unwise to put certain things in down in writing
like do we really wanna be leaving a metaphorical paper trail of revolutionary evidence just in case this whole program does get blown wide open somehow
and ive seen people stressing over the possibility of untrustworthy fuckers in our midst thatll sell us all out in a heartbeat for an extra pillow
ive been sitting here like shit man what can i even do to actually be useful right now and historically ive had a surplus of flighty broads constantly ready to answer that question
but its not like i can really be all that helpful if i cant even spell out exactly what i might be good for without basically drawing an arrow pointing directly at real life me
the point is maybe were better off talking some shit out in person where were arent leaving a written record and we can kick out anyone that seems sus
i heard the cameras in the training room dont work and it seems like solid info
we could probably orchestrate some stealth convos there or anywhere else that seems off the grid if anyones noticed anything
hell if we wanna get a whole bunch of people together we could probably just sit in a circle and if any staffers poke their heads in and ask about it we just say we put together our own lil group therapy thing
at least half of us are clearly in dire need of it so no one would question it
genius i know
anyway im just spitballing here in an attempt to feel at least a little productive
im open to other ideas just help me out

morebetter

[OOC: Mac's a character who engages in a lot of bigoted opinions and behavior, which may come up in these threads. Please hit me up here if you have any must-avoid topics.]

[Anyone who knows Mac should be concerned that the expression on his face is unambiguously smug. His eyes are alight with that pseudo-manic “I have a great idea” energy that betrays that he does not, in fact, have a great idea, and in fact that any idea he stumbles across is all the worse for having his involvement. When he pops onto the network with the sleeves hacked off his uniform and a rubber ball he’s bouncing off some wall off the screen, he’s all grins, puffed chest, and unearned confidence.

(Un)fortunately or those who don’t know Mac, they’re about to find out exactly why they should be worried whenever he looks like he’s cracked the code.]

Ey-ooo, what’s up, ████? [The swear filter jumps in lightning fast - no seven-second delay here, baby - to bleep out the curse word and briefly smudge a black censored box over his mouth, as “bitches” is not an appropriate term per the Jorgmund Harassment Prevention Protocol.] I’m Mac, and you’re all really lucky I’m here. You’re welcome, you’re welcome.

[Thump, the ball goes off-screen before he fumbles it on the catch. It rolls somewhere off camera and for a moment he considers abandoning his announcement to go get it, then shrugs and returns to his speechifying.]

You’ve all noticed that this job sucks, right? I’ve got a whole list of complaints, but HR keeps telling me to put it in the suggestion box and I’ve put like five copies in and I’m starting to think I’m pretty sure that thing’s a shredder. That’s definitely not going to help us get better food or less itchy clothing or a shower situation where we don’t have to look at women being disgusting with their bodies.

So I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution. Now, I’m a business-owner myself, so normally I’d be against this thing, but dudes? I really think we should unionize.

Think about it. Once you’re in a union, it’s a law that they have to give you vacations and can’t punish you no matter how bad you ████ up. You don’t even have to ████ up on accident - you can intentionally ruin everything and your employers can’t do ████ because it’s illegal. It’s basically Groucho Marx’s whole manifesto, right? From that book? Power to the people and all that stuff that’s really ████ inconvenient when it’s other people but way convenient when it applies to us right now.

Once we unionize, here’s some stuff that’s automatic. [He starts counting them off on his fingers.] Food that doesn’t taste like it’s older than we are. No more zap collars. Personal showers, you know, available at then end of the week it’d take to build them, I’m not expecting a miracle here. Casual day every day because the only people who benefit from a dress code are nerds. Honestly, there’s literally nothing to lose and so much to gain with a little cooperation.

Now, as the guy who came up with this idea, I think it’s only fair that union dues go to me. Now, I know what you’re thinking - Mac, none of us have cash! - but that’s okay. I’m a reasonable guy an I’m happy to take my lot in favors and gossip. [He wags a finger.] But it has to be interesting and maybe kind of blackmail-worthy. Boring rumors are even worse than regular rumors, because boring rumors are a ████ waste of time.

By the way? I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart. It turns out I have a really convenient disability and in the eyes of the law, I’m completely untouchable. So chop-chop with the favors.

[This is, for the record, absolutely not locked from the Jorgmund’s eyes, despite Mac’s sincere beliefs that being a “security professional”, “bodyguard” and “impressively detail-oriented guy” has contributed to his planning here.]

tarnishedavenger

I'm noticing a few of you are having trouble with Planker's combat training. And, all due respect to Lubitsch, but he's a little too distracted and has too little time with us to do more than give pointers.

[That's about as close as Armstrong's going to come to saying that he thinks Lubitsch is about as useful as tits on a bull.]

With that in mind, I'm willing to teach some of you.

( Read more... )

tarnishedavenger

[During a lull in the party, Armstrong taps out a quick message to the network. Not that private one, he doesn't trust it. They can answer whenever they like, so long as he gets an answer. The trick would be wording it.]

So, we're all in this for now. You've had your welcome cake, but you can't meet everyone in a party, no matter how hard you try. But, since we've all been encouraged to sign up with Jorgmund, I figured now would be a good time to get some introductions done. Talk about any specialties we might have.

Share information that we feel comfortable sharing. This isn't to pressure anyone or to force out any dark secrets.

[Not where watchful eyes can see, at least.]

Besides, I prefer doing this to making a cute information sharing game.

So, please, make your own threads within this post to keep everything organized.