piper90 | Mac Gives Dating Advice

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[What, you don't want Nora playing matchmaker? What could possibly go wrong?]

I can keep a secret!

[No she can't. Not when there aren't lives at stake, anyway.]

While I have no doubt of that, Tenten informed me we are on a live and shared feed.

Yeah, so? I didn't ask for a name.

[That comes later, when she corners him.]

There are not a whole lot of people on the rig, so people can make reasonable deductions from there.

[ Most would have already but Nora is Nora. ]

[She'll figure it out. Next week sometime.]

You should talk to her. I can tell you from experience, hinting doesn't work.

That makes sense. I'm not sure exactly how i feel though. And having a more... mortal body than previously makes this a bit strange.

If she's worth your feelings, she won't hold any of it against you.

[Shrug.]

Look, I haven't seen my boyfriend since I got here, and things were kinda...rough before that.

[Haha this is fine.]

You don't know how much time you have, so don't waste it.

I'm sorry that happened to you. But I'm still trying to determine what my feelings are, and how to address them. This hasn't happened before and I've been alive for a... very long time.

You've never had a crush before!?

[Everything he's told her about Astartes appears to have bounced off, or at least not connected to anything else in her head.]

No.

Ohhhhhhhhh.

[Wait.]

Aren't you centuries old?

[Maybe she was paying some attention.]

Yes, yes I am. But remember, my body was significantly changed into a weapon, more or less. I am somewhat more.. mortal since I came here.

It's not all hormones, you know. Even if they messed up your glands or whatever, you could still fall in love.

[Fighting and emotional advice: the two skills Nora's actually good at.]

I think.. well I think there need to be a lot of steps and things I need to understand first.

Not really. You already care about people a lot. You just have to focus and think about how you'd do it for one person instead of everybody at once.

I don't understand.

Love is really just putting someone else before yourself. You already do that.

I must inherently love humanity then. But this doesn't feel like duty.

It's like different flavors of ice cream. They don't all taste the same, but you still know they're ice cream.

[Of course it's a food analogy with Nora.]

What is ice cream?

[Silence.

With Nora, that never lasts.]

YOU'VE NEVER HAD ICE CREAM?!?

That. Is. Criminal!

[Well, she's safely off the topic of romance, at least.]

I am unaware of any local ordnances regarding eating this iced cream.

Metaphorically criminal! I can't believe you're a zillion years old and never had ice cream!

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