Mac McDonald (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morebetter) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
morebetter) wrote in piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
Mac Gives Dating Advice
[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
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What do you think?
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[Not that that's likely anyway, he's just making a point. He doesn't actually have any experience hooking up with humans, save one awkward teenage kiss with a person who shall not be named.]
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So why do you look human?
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That's some pretty cyclical logic.
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[Though they have had some pretty solid PR since the 60's. Hell, the trend of the Arcana using saint names for their family names was a very deliberate PR move to feel more familiar to a human race that was still shitting its pants over magic being real.]
Most of folklore and mythology is just an extreme game of telephone. One human sees an Atlantean aspect that takes the form of a burning bush, the story gets twisted in retellings, and suddenly it's part of the Biblical narrative. Historically, when humans didn't understand something, they came up with some story to explain it and that became their myths. Encounters with magic and monsters tended to fall under that umbrella.
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Look, all I know is that if someone told King Namor that the human concept of God was based on Atlanteans, his head would get so over-inflated that he wouldn’t need the ankle wings anymore.
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Different Atlantis, then. We don't have a king. We don't even really have an Emperor anymore.
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And, yeah, I think they are. Them, the Beatles, and weirdly, Mr. Met.
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There are definitely things that should change. Though, for what it's worth, there are some things human governments could stand to change, too.