Mac McDonald (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morebetter) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
morebetter) wrote in piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
Mac Gives Dating Advice
[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
no subject
[Part of the cannibalism thing was Mac and his friends' overactive imagination, but Mac's father's credible threats to kill him and penchant for torturing people, including with threats of cannibalism, were not. And certainly over much smaller things than demonic powers.]
He was just all upset at me because I wouldn't stuff heroin up my butt and bring it to him in prison. He got over it. You see, that's the important part of being a family, you forgive each other. I don't hold it against him that he says I should have been smothered in the crib and he's going to kill me with piano wire, because we're family, and he doesn't hold it against me when I don't bring him a literal assload of heroin, because we're family.
no subject
[It's called having way too much time to read in the back of the Impala or the hotel.]
[The rest of it sinks in and Sam sits back, looking faintly horrified. Only faintly because...Mac doesn't realize how fucked up it is. And maybe that should make it worse, but somehow it doesn't. It's probably better that he can't process that, somehow.]
I...really have no idea what to say to that. Other than it doesn't sound like a very good situation to be in in the least.
no subject
I mean, it's not ideal, but no one really wants their dad to be a meth dealer who goes to prison. The point is that, as a family, we overcame those problems, and I still love him and I know he still loves me.
no subject
[Sam has the other comm in hand as he returns to the video feed, though.]
I'm pretty certain I'm not quoting it wrong. I can go get the book, but the line spoke to me a lot when I was a kid.
Look, man, I'm going to be honest. Your dad sounds like a mega douche. I'm glad you feel you can still love him and all, but...yeah, that doesn't sound healthy at all.
no subject
My relationship with my dad is great. [Mac actually does sound a little strained here, like maybe there's an inkling more self-awareness than he telegraphs.] I mean, we're working on it.
[Mac's working on it! He's working on it very hard!]
no subject
No! No! You tell him the @/($ing truth - if his dad’s a piece of &$@( that wants to @/;)ing eat him, that ?!(-head needs to &”@?ing step back before he gets Dahmered by his !?@;ing father.
no subject
Whatever politician you heard it from was probably quoting the book. The book's from 1878.
[Sam glances back over his shoulder.]
Dude, chill. I'm working on it.
[This is not the sort of thing you just...break to Mac.]
That said. Julio has a point. It does sound like your dad is toxic as hell. I trust you that you were exaggerating about the eating thing. [He absolutely does not trust that Mac was exaggerating about the eating thing, but baby steps.] That said, in my experience, loving parents don't threaten to kill their kids. Or insist they sneak drugs in past prison guards.
no subject
Then he waves a hand in front of the camera, with no longer a touch of strain in his voice. Whatever delusion he's got going on, he is now back to being a hundred percent committed to it.]
No, no, you don't get it. By asking me to smuggle the drugs in, he was giving me an opportunity to prove myself. It was a gesture of trust from him. He wouldn't have asked me to do that if he thought I was some kind of pussy. And he only threatens to kill me because that's how he expresses that he's invested in me.