[locked to new hires] post-babadon't

[princesspower]

[ Adora fidgets with her communicator, staring at the screen, her brow furrowed as the video feed starts up. She's in a bed in the infirmary, with some bandaging on her head where she's was previously bleeding from the scalp. She looks tired, mostly. ]

Hey everybody. I just - I guess I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let myself get taken out like that. Everyone had to deal with that because of me. I screwed up. I won't let it happen again. Uh - I guess that's about it.

Comments

[wheyoftheadept]

"They didn't seem mad - kinda ungentle, some of 'em, but not mad. C'mon, let's sit down."

She guides Adora to a nearby bench.

"Nobody's mad. A lot of 'em do understand. Bunch of career heroes, this lot. That's why they're worried, and trynna tough love at you. They're the kind of people who struggle not to beat themselves up when they fail, too."

It isn't hypocrisy, Saturday tells herself. Nowhere in this speech did she exclude herself from this description.

"What they think it is, is you beatin' up on yourself because you think that's what you deserve for failing. Which ain't true, by the way. An' it scares 'em 'cause they care about you, and they were probably scared shitless when they realized the imposter stole your face, so from their perspective they're just relieved you're okay an' your acting like you did something wrong. I know my first thought woulda been that you were dead and it was my fault for not realizing sooner."

[princesspower]

"I'm going for a walk," Adora announces. She doesn't want to hear this. Again. So she doesn't sit down.

"Thanks... again. But it's the same thing people have been telling me all day and I really don't want to hear it again."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Then what do you want?" Saturday doesn't make any move to stop her.

[princesspower]

"I don't know," Adora replies, expression pinched.

She thinks she does know, but she also can't let herself choose. She can't let herself be selfish, because the world - the universe - needs her and she can't give up on it. She can't chose for herself. She's never tried to be selfish. It's how she is. She gives and she gives and she gives until she's empty and then she keeps trying.

And she's also probably lowkey suicidal, but that's another story.

[wheyoftheadept]

"Is there somethin' that'd help you think it through?"

Saturday has a sense of having stepped out on what seemed like frozen ground and finding out it was thin ice. There's something here that goes a lot deeper then the usual sturm und drang.

Although six months ago, nothing about this would have struck her as usual. She can feel some sort of way about that another time.

"Somethin' I can help with?"

[princesspower]

"No. I just... I have to go," Adora replies slowly, feeling less and less sure with each passing moment, "I just - I need some time."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Go where, an' do what?" Gently, gently; Saturday speaks as kindly as she can. "Look, if this were a, a broken leg or something making you feel this bad, you'd go to medical, right? On my honor, no more lectures. Just listening. But don't run off an' just nurse it in private - that won't make it better."

She's still sitting, forearms braced against her knees, looking up at Adora. Not a threat, not a position of power. Just a worried friend.

[princesspower]

"Probably just... out. I need to lie down and think or - something," Adora shakes her head, "I just... I don't want to be around anyone."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Okay. You don't have to stay. I like to go out on top of the rig when I need a think, there's lots of blind spots for the cameras."

The worry is not receding. Letting Adora go would be correct; it's what she's said she wants, and she's the expert in herself. Saturday reminds herself how much trouble she's made for herself and others by assuming she knows best, and still can't shake the gnawing worry that letting Adora go off alone would be a bad idea.

"What do you want to think about?"

[princesspower]

"Everything. Nothing. I just... I need space," she says, echoing something that Catra said to her a short while ago.

"That's all."

[wheyoftheadept]

"All right." It's not really possible to hide the worry in her eyes, and she's not trying that hard, either. "I'll see you at dinner, then? I'm around, if you decide you wanna talk."

[princesspower]

"What's there to talk about?" Adora sounds almost bitter. Or frustrated.

"Everyone else seems to think I don't know what's good for me."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday stops a moment to consider that, before answering. She can't say, "they don't" because they do; the problem is that they don't mean it the way Adora's receiving it. Saying Adora's wrong isn't gonna help - Adora's hearing nothing but that and also, that is what people are doing - and saying that she's right isn't true. Well, it's not untrue, but it's as incomplete as the other version.

She chews on her lower lip a bit, looking inward and distracted.

"Well, from where I'm sittin', it seems more like people are seeing someone walking around with a broken leg saying she's fine, and wondering what in the hell she's saying that for. But - " a sharp nod, as she comes to conclusion. "We also don't actually know each other that well, do we? We've got a lotta facts about each other, but we don't know. So - okay. What do you know, then? Like what are we missing? What would be good for you?"

Her face is open, her voice sincere. This isn't a challenge, or meant to undermine her. She's asking, because Adora's right - no one actually has.

[princesspower]

"But it's not like that! I'm not missing anything-" Adora pauses and allows Saturday to finish. She takes a slow breath to try and get herself to calm down a little. She's pacing back and forth now, trying to get her energy out. She finally pauses when Saturday asks that question, her brow furrowed.

"Nothing! Nothing is missing! I know what I have to do!"

Not quite true. She doesn't think of herself as needing anything because she doesn't think she really deserves anything. She needs to handle the universe. The world. She has to give as much as she can. To take anything back from the world? No. She can't do that.

"What's good for me..." She frowns, brow furrowed, "Why? What does that matter? I don't need to worry about that."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Well..." Saturday checks what she's saying as she says it, clearing it of any thoughtless turn of phrase that might catch them up. "You said we're acting like you don't know what's best for you, an' that you know what you need. I thought maybe some of that was more training, 'cause when I offered you accepted, but that ain't worked out so good. So I figure, I musta missed somethin', right? Which means maybe you are right, an' you know what's best for you, an' it's not anything we've offered. So if you can tell me what it is, maybe I can help you get it."

Saturday waits for the answer without trying to anticipate the response. She's learned, painfully, that that's the only way to do. At least, when you really want to reach someone, and not just con them into going along until the goal's been met.

But the first step is the immediate need. Adora doesn't feel listened to, so - Saturday will listen.

[princesspower]

"There's nothing to tell," Adora replies, still sounding frustrated, "They think that I shouldn't be so willing to charge into danger, I guess. That I shouldn't take this responsibility on. But that's not something I can just stop doing - I have this power and should use it. I have to use it. So - why does everyone want me to stop?"

Or that's how it feels, anyway.

"They don't get it. I have to do this - I have to do all of this."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday is really starting to regret not taking a closer look at the other comments on Adora's post. She frowns, bracing her forearms against her knees.

"Have to do what, exactly - what responsibilities? I logged off after I said my bit," she explains. "Didn't look to close at what everyone else was saying, just checked no one was blaming you more'n you already blamed yourself. Mostly what I saw was people sayin' not to be too hard on yourself over it; pick yourself up, dust yourself off, an' keep goin'."

She starts to shrug, frowns, then decides to hold her peace. There are other things she wants to say, about the whole not-getting-it thing - she suspects the problem might be more that they get it too well. That might not be helpful at this point, though.

[princesspower]

"I have to... protect people. I have to make sure other people stay safe. The whole universe, if it comes down to it," Adora replies with a sigh, "And they're telling me that... I don't? That I shouldn't? And I don't understand why. I don't understand why they think it's wrong of me to want to protect other people."

It's more complicated than that. It always is. But that's how it feels to Adora.

"I can't let myself get slack. I have to keep going."

Although now they're drifting onto another topic entirely.

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday isn't quite as puzzled as she puts on - she knows what Adora is doing, she knows why, and she can just about feel Scylla pointing and laughing at her, somewhere across the metaplanes.

"I didn't see anyone sayin' that? Just not to be so hard on yourself. You ain't the only person here carryin' the world on their shoulders," she points out. "Don't mean that as a criticism, it's just true. Like, back home, everyone I love is preparing for a final battle that we either win or us and the whole world dies a long, slow, ugly death. It makes me fucking crazy that I'm not there. That I'm a fucking prisoner on a useless deathtrap in a dying world when everyone I'm responsible for is in danger - "

She cuts herself off. Not about you, dumbass.

" - point is, from what Catra's told me, you're the only person on your level back in Etheria, am I wrong? So maybe there, it is all on you, 'cause no one else can meet the threat. But if you ask around, a lot of people here are dealin' with or have dealt with world-ending shit, with being the only person or one 'a the only people who can deal with it. I think sayin' they don't understand is kinda overstating it. Might be," and here she gambles, "some of it is them understandin' too well, you know? What it's like to have something precious in your hand and drop it, even if someone else had to pry it from you first. You always think you coulda just held on a little tighter."

The ever-present grief and guilt surge forward, eager to remind her they're there, and that she deserves them nipping at her heels. She tilts her head forward, hiding her eyes behind her bangs, so Adora won't see. This isn't about her feelings, no matter what old wounds it jabs.

[princesspower]

Adora can see something is bothering Saturday, even as Saturday tries to help her resolve her problems and it tears at her heart. She doesn't know what she can do about it, though. Offer to help? But that's what Saturday is doing right now. It'd be... weird, right? She sighs quietly and finally stops pacing, arms wrapped around herself as she tries to stop her mind from catastrophizing. Get it together, Adora.

"I... I know. Other people have to deal with this kind of thing back home. They're responsible for their worlds, for their problems, their threats. I just - I can't stop being who I am. The people here are my friends now and I have to protect them, right? And... if I can't protect them... what am I doing here?"

She means the right. But there's the sense that she might really mean here as alive or present.

[wheyoftheadept]

"Being their friend?" Saturday says it without thinking, and as she says it clarity hits her like a bolt of terrible lightning - she understands, too late, what Maggie had been trying to tell her. Except Maggie isn't here to...

Put it aside. Carry on.

"Like..." she says it slowly, processing as hard as she can. "Do you think they'd be happy if you went away? Like being able to protect them is the only reason they like you, so if you can't do that, they won't care if you live or die? 'Cause I know Catra doesn't think that. I know I don't think that."

cw: suicidal thoughts

[princesspower]

Adora's brow furrows and her little self-hug tightens. That's... closer to the truth, but not really how Adora thinks. She knows her friends love her - how could she not? But she also knows that all she has to offer is... herself, at the end of the day. It's complicated.

"No... I don't think they'd be happy if I left or died."

Although there's a dark part of her that doesn't care if she lives or dies, in the end. If she has to die in the process... wouldn't that be OK? Wouldn't that simply be the best way to give of herself? No, it's more that Adora doesn't care if she lives or dies and she sees her death as an acceptable price to pay.

"But being able to protect people... I'm good at it. And better me than someone else."

Re: cw: suicidal thoughts

[wheyoftheadept]

"Nah, I get that." Saturday nods, in understanding. "But - I think part 'a what they're trying to say is, not better you then someone else. Like..."

She frowns, trying to think of how Maggie would put it.

"Like... we do this hero shit, right, because we think everyone has the right to live an' be happy. That includes us. If someone was in front of you - if Catra was in front of you, saying it would be better if she had died instead of failing, would you think she was talking sense? An' if you wouldn't, then what makes you different from her - what makes the right she has t' life an' happiness more important then your own? It can't be her feelings, 'cause she doesn't feel that way."

[princesspower]

"Catra's not She-Ra," Adora replies and shakes her head. She's shaken free of destiny. Shaken free of what other people want her to be (she thinks) - but to her, she's still the one who has to sacrifice. Who must sacrifice. There's not alternative, is there?

"And the difference is... I can do that. I can actually fight on that level. I can take that power."

Although she could still potentially die, but that seems trivial.

"I don't want to die, Saturday. Just - if someone has to die... I don't want it to be one of my friends."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday raises an eyebrow.

"But why does you bein' She-ra matter, exactly? Like, okay, it means you can do more, take more, fight harder. But it doesn't make you invincible, right? You're operating on another level, but you can still fail. So the question still stands, I think? Let's pretend you didn't get the lightshow back, or it was Catra who got it instead, if that helps. Would the same rules apply to her if she had the power, an' you didn't? Would you tell her go on, go ahead, you're the one who has to die, you're the one who's got the carry the load, all by yourself, and I won't help you because you shouldn't need it?"

She spreads her hands wide, almost pleading.

"Why should being She-ra mean you don't get to live an' be happy, that you gotta make the sacrifice play? Who ever said that that was your job? Isn't that something you kinda decided for yourself, without even asking anyone if that's what they want from you? I'm not saying don't fight, don't be a hero, but... did anyone ever actually say that it was all on you? Or did you decide that on your own? Who has ever actually asked you to carry it all by yourself?"