[TEXT] [LOCKED TO NEW HIRES ONLY]

[bringinghopewithme]

[After doing everything he can to verify he's locked this correctly, i.e. asking Stacia to check if he did it right, Bunny presses forth with testing Lonestar's claims.]

Well I haven't been interrogated or tortured any more than usual. Do we trust this thing or not?

[EDITED The next day comes an additional video message -]

I realized two things. Some of you rightly guessed I lied about stealing keys from Jorgmund. Some of you pointed out Jorgmund might somehow be smart enough not to take obvious bait. Well -

[He holds up one paw, and twirls a keyring around one digit.]

It's not a lie anymore.

It got me into a closet and now we have - [He re-angles the camera to show: a metal hammer, multi-bit screwdrivers with a wide range of interchangeable bits, an adjustable wrench, a tiny screwdriver set for delicate work, and a small soldering iron.]

Anyone thinks they can do something useful with any of this, come see me. I'm keeping them hidden and I'm not telling any of you where until I know for sure who talks too much and who doesn't.

Comments

[bringinghopewithme]

Call me an idiot to my face next time, see how that works out for you.

[stickypete]

Then I won't, but just so it's clear for the future, in case there's something else that might set you off: I'm not throwing hands with the Easter Bunny.

Also, I feel like your willingness to throw hands with me so easily is both unfair and uncouth considering I didn't try to throw down after you repeatedly sniffed me, over protest. On a New York subway, that'd get you a minimum of a thrown elbow. And that's Manhattan rules. Steeper penalties for an infraction that serious in the other boroughs.

[bringinghopewithme]

That's funny! You're a funny guy. It's almost like you don't know who I am.

Tell me why you smell like you do and I'll quit guessing. I have several.

[maybe Sticky Ben has good reason not to go announcing why he smells like he eats spiders like potato chips. Maybe his good reason is being a benevolent trickster along the lines of another (mostly) benevolent spider trickster Bunny knows well. But maybe his good reason is 'people won't get close enough that I can eat THEM like potato chips if they know I'm some variety of man-sized spider.']

Speaking of guessing, you remind me of another funny guy I know. A storyteller. You care to hazard a guess which one?

[stickypete]

I mean, yeah he also had a strong sense of irony, but I always found Aesop to be a little preachy.

[bringinghopewithme]

I'm in stitches.

[No he's not.]

You got any aunts? I'm guessing one named Nancy. Or is it a grandmother I'm thinking of? Not named Nancy?

[stickypete]

[He doesn't rise the talk of aunts, even though it's just a pun.]

[That's still a little fresh.]

Boy, you are both really far off the mark and really not letting this go.

How come you're managing dog-with-a-bone so well when you're a lagomorph? Not even a canine, you're not following animal stereotypes, what gives? Children's books lied to me.

[bringinghopewithme]

Didn't the children's books also tell you stereotyping is bad?

"Stereotyping is bad" is why I'm giving you a chance to explain yourself. A chance you keep throwing back in my face, but at least you know I'm not a rodent. Good onya for that one, the books taught you something!

[stickypete]

Why do I have to explain myself?

I accepted "I'm the Easter Bunny" without making you explain your entire deal.

The Easter Bunny may as well exist in another universe. My life is insane, I've accepted that.

[bringinghopewithme]

Oh wait a tic. You need the explanation?

[Huh. He just assumed a man who smells suspiciously like 20,000 spiders in a trench coat already knew all the mythic ins and outs.]

[stickypete]

Uh, yeah?

You exist?

Or I'd need you to explain it if I was nosy, but I kind of assumed it was just some weird other dimension you came from. You also mentioned Santa, so I'm guessing it's some magical, possibly claymation land of myths and whimsy.

[tarnishedavenger]

Oh, Santa's real. He sometimes asks some superhero group or other with help delivering toys for that year.

[stickypete]

Apparently, my world missed out.

I've beaten up a lot of robbers dressed like Santa though.

Like every Christmas, it's a thing for some reason. They decide robbing a bank needs to be festive.

[tarnishedavenger]

You'd think they'd at least pick up a little class about it. But no, fake beard, pillow belly, and right to the liquor store.

I guess Easter Bunny costumes are less popular due to the 'breathing in a faux-fur helmet' issue. And peripheral vision.

[stickypete]

Always with a pillow, usually a really bad fake beard hanging down to their neck.

Why can't bank robbers learn to have some class? Better costumes, offering tellers a hot towel after making them hand over the money.

Maybe a mint left on the floor of the empty bank vault.

[partiallysquirrelblood]

He exists in mine, too. Haven't done the toy delivery thing, but a friend of mine knew him well enough to invite him to my old team's Christmas party, since they both work a lot that night for somewhat different reasons.

[credit_not_blame]

Can confirm the existence of Santa in a non-whimsy world. Also: Krampus. They're both Fae.

[bringinghopewithme]

That explains a lot. No worries mate, I'll find you.

[stickypete]

Why do I find that vaguely ominous?

[bringinghopewithme]

[Wherever Peter Sticky Ben is, unfortunately for him he has a distinct scent that's easy to follow. Maybe shower more bud.

In the shadowiest, most deserted hallway he comes to, Bunny slides out of the shadows, blocking his way.]

G'day mate.

Let's you and me have a talk.

[He anticipated vaguely ominous, he got vaguely ominous.]

--> action

[stickypete]

[Wow, his spider sense definitely has been off lately, because he's actually caught by surprise. The low-grade, constant background noise of "BOMB IN CHEST BOMB IN CHEST, THERE'S A BOMB IN YOUR CHEST" has thrown it off. A constant little shrill of light anxiety that makes him want to crawl out of his skin because that's where the bomb is.]

[So his spider sense didn't keen on that something was about to surprise him, probably because Bunny doesn't intend to immediately beat him up.]

[Maybe just eventually beat him up.]

Am I being bullied by the Easter Bunny?

[He digs around in the pocket of his coveralls and pulls out some spare change.]

[He'd fixed a microwave in the kitchen and one of the late night kitchen staffers had given him some change for the rig crew commissary reasoning that nobody said it was a rule he couldn't have it, they're supposedly not slaves, right? He'd used it for a granola bar that he planned to give to "Ace of Hearts" for their little secret food cache to give to someone that didn't have some belly fat to work through. And kept the change in case he could eventually scrounge together enough change for another.]

[He jingles it in his hand.]

Here's my lunch money but I'm not doing your homework.

Re: --> action

[bringinghopewithme]

What? Course I'm not bullying you.

[His 'what' is extremely incredulous because of course he knows what he's doing. Just because it isn't schoolyard bullying doesn't mean he's being ominous on accident.]

I'm just here to correct some gaps in your understanding. Myth to . . . whatever you are. You probably know I bring joy to kids, right? Everybody knows that side of the job, but I don't just make 'em happy.

[His demeanor shifts very suddenly from cheerfully ominous to directly ominous.]

I protect them. All of them. From anything that would do 'em harm. Whether it goes bump in the night, or in broad daylight, whether it is a human or just looks like one.

Now you look an awful lot like a human, but you smell an awful lot like 20,000 spiders in a human suit. We've got the same enemy and you're being awfully helpful right now. Maybe you're being helpful because you genuinely want to see yourself and the rest of the slaves freed and Jorgmund taken down, or maybe you're being helpful because being helpful lets you stick real close to your prey, so you better understand some things very well.

I'm not going to tell Jorgmund what you are. They don't deserve the advantage of knowing. I'm not going to tell the other mortals what you are, because you want your privacy and you might be as good as you're acting. But if you so much as take a nip out of any one of them, I'll be the last thing you see. No matter how many eyes you got.

[It's not bullying if it's a direct threat! Different things!]

Re: --> action

[stickypete]

...Did I just get threatened with murder by the Easter Bunny?

[He doesn't look scared, largely because according to Bunny's parameters he has nothing to fear. He's not 20,000 spiders in a human suit, he's not going to eat anyone, and he's saved his world and city many times over. He's not a bad guy so there's no reason for Bunny to kill him.]

[So he's mostly just stuck on the surrealness of the situation, and like he sometimes is when it comes to the surreal, he's goggling with fascination at the sudden turn his reality has taken, rather than being scared or upset.]

Re: --> action

[bringinghopewithme]

I thought I was pretty clear.

[he knows full well that this side of his work does not, would not, should not get celebrated and spread through the work he's better known for among humans. But the things that hurt children don't care much for PR. There's only one thing besides the hard line of force that can sway many of them.]

If you were a myth, and I'm not convinced you're not, I'd give you the option of taking the Enkidu Oath, but I can't guarantee it'll hold up here. Now are you gonna kill any of the mortals here or not?

[stickypete]

Am I going to kill any of the other mortals, like me? Which they all are? Because I'm human?

No, I'm not.

[He crosses his arms.]

I'm not 20,000 spiders in a human suit, I'm not a Man-Spider - although I was the one time but that was science gone wrong, and I got better - I'm not a spider-thing pretending to be human.

I am human.

Your nose isn't wrong. Your conclusion is what could use some work.

[bringinghopewithme]

If you think that's the wildest conclusion I could've reached, you don't know what I've seen.

[If he were being fair he'd admit that he doesn't even know most of what he's seen right now, but he's not being all that fair. He crosses his arms right back.]

If you're so mostly human, why're you so cagey about what you are? Other humans got a thing against spider-folks where you're from?