piper90 | Karkat: Don't Swear [Text]

[ Someone makes a post. It's deleted again too quickly to read, but it was definitely riddled with redactions courtesy of the network's filter (which seems to be working today.) A few minutes pass. It happens again, the post is longer and strangely grey, but it's similarly mangled and it's already gone. A third attempt is made, much the same, then... nothing.

Several more minutes tick by. Measured. Thoughtful. Ominous. Will the OP try one more time?

Then it appears: a monstrosity of grey capslock lurches onto the network and this one sticks. The poster's name is apparently Karkat Vantas, and his profile picture fails to yield a face, only a symbol. ]

A lot of unbelievable garbage has happened to me in the last twelve hours, but this? This is it. That anguished sound you hear is the cry of the long-suffering humpbeast that is my patience, its back brutally broken at last by the weight of this final desiccated plant stalk!

I am no stranger to completely stupid communication tools, but this one? This one is truly something special. I am in awe! Do you know how long it took me to get some semblance of control over my text? Do you? I assure you from the bottom of my inflamed bile sponge that you do not!

I was lulled into a sense of false security, naively believing this could not possibly get any worse. I went to post a message! Wow what a moron I must be to have ever supposed that would be easy! Gather round everyone, time to initiate the latest rube to join the idiot carnival! He thinks he can speak his mind without a snotty line of code ripping out his teeth one by one and shoving them right back down his ignorance shaft, what fun we shall have!

Thank you, Jorgmund! Thank you so much for this useless trash, and for this insult to injury! I am so glad that not only have I been kidnapped by aliens, but now I can't even make contact with my fellow captives without first assuming the most deferential posture of insipidity so as not to *dare* offend the grub-soft gander bulbs of an audience of *presumably* fully-moulted adults! I am ecstatic to know that this is the priority here when this entire world is apparently in shambles!

There's no need to take any time out of your jam packed schedules of huffing each other's nooks just to punish my earlier misgivings! My confidence is so inspired I could just choke myself right here and now!

(( OOC: Feel free to use or not use the network's filter as you please, its wild inconsistency can be convenient and a way to drive Karkat up a wall!
Warnings (mostly that Karkat is a loud jerk) and a link to opt out of his capslock nonsense are in his permissions. ))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

:c

a clown burst in on my best friend while she was having a bath to issue vague and ominous threats

a second clown burst in on my other friend to demand that she remove its eyes so it could be freed from its master

a third clown is apparently at least partially responsible for all the horrible shit we've been through recently

no more clowns

Mine was a useless ███hole but harmless.
Then he went completely off his ████ at the worst possible time and killed two of my friends.
What *is* it with clowns?!
If I never see another horn again in my life it will be too soon.
The honking kind not the ones on my head.

you just cannot trust a clown its a well known fact

our clowns don't honk tho they just have the weird makeup

The weird makeup is a constant.
They were this cult the empress decided she liked.
I have no idea why, maybe she thought people getting their horns stuffed down their chitinous wind tunnels by a bunch of clowns was funny?
We're back to talking about head horns by the way.

i mean it could be funny depending on whose getting things stuffed down them and if they deserve it

Okay that's true.
But honestly...
I can admit my past failures as a person. There are a lot of those. One of them is I used to be the empire's #1 biggest fan.

[ ...Or so he told himself. ]

But now I look back and it's a lot harder to laugh at any of it.

been there, chummer

i hate admitting when i fuck up, too

You get used to it when you do it enough.

[ Wait. One second. ]

████.
Wait why is it letting you say ████ and not me?

[ The filter's inconsistency strikes again. A whole new injustice in Karkat's life has appeared and every other train of thought is now officially off the rails. ]

probably the same reason im currently typing on a machine displaying everything with a lovely green tint

tech malfunctions when i use it. this is the only time its ever been an advantage

Oh wow. My experience was already astonishing in the degree to which it is a pile of steaming ████, but at least things *nominally* work for me.
It's not some kind of virus, right?
Actually wait, if it is, I'd accept obnoxious green tint as the price to have my basic ████ing vocabulary back.

no. I got a lot of magic and i come into it early and it shorts out electronics

i would trade you for the ability to send an email without ccing my entire contact list

Are you sure it's magic?
Not fakey fake bull████ that people just call magic?

no its real magic, its a thing where i come from

im an adept, means magic helps me fight real good. my best friend isn't here but shes a classic mage and she does like, fireballs and chain lightning and magic barriers and stuff

I knew a mage but mostly he just ████ed about everything, did computer stuff, and told us we were all gonna die.
Which turned out to be mostly literally true, but that's not part of this story.
I'm not sure if any actual magic figured in here so ████ if I know.
My experience with people who do think magic is a real thing, and not fake science magic but actual sparkly garbage magic, has not been great.

magic isn't garbage

its just a thing some people can do and other people cant

like singing, or basketball

Please tell me you don't have a wand at least.

i have a sword.

Okay that's not strictly better but I'll be thankful anyway.

its magic and sometimes it talks to me

[Saturday is starting to enjoy this]

You were doing so good.
That's a lie by the way, nobody on this entire stupid crawlerstation is doing good in any way.
But it was a wonderful fantasy we were living in for the last couple of seconds.

Edited 2020-06-23 13:40 (UTC)

it calls itself "solomon silverarm"

How did we go from me explaining my distaste for magic to *you* explaining to *me* about your magic sword that ████ing talks?!
Was this a logical progression of topics for you?
Is that just what you do when you meet people?
Take a gander at this stranger! Obviously he wants to have his pan stuffed full of terrible new facts about ████ he doesn't like!
That will brighten his week!

[ The weariness. The despair. Why are people so... people-y, in every single permutation of the stupid universe? He's not sure whether it's weirdly endearing (ugh) or if he just wants to throw up. ]

simmer down, chummer. its just a little magic sword. and some destiny. and a skosh of immortal elf drama.

Considering my experience with the two former topics, I cannot express to you how much I do not want to discover the intricacies of the third thing.

hey i had to live through it, how do you think i feel

(no subject)

pasthole - 2020-06-29 05:21 (UTC) - Expand

wheyoftheadept - 2020-06-29 22:12 (UTC) - Expand