video;

[heterochrocatic]

[ Much like poor Tenten, Catra is broadcasting live from the infirmary. In fact, if you squint you'll probably be able to see which bed she's in to relation to Tenten. The poor woman has been bandaged to hell and back, her head wrapped in dressings, though there's enough visible for it to be clear that whatever happened to her, it was necessary for that big, poofy mane of hair to be shorn away in order for it to be treated.

At least she's not missing half her face. When she speaks, her voice is rough and croaky. She's still recovering from whatever it was that happened to her a few days back. ]

I guess I'm alive. Don't everyone celebrate at once.

[ The jab is accompanied by a weak smile. ]

What'd I miss?

Comments

[princesspower]

Catra... she was going to kill you.

[ Adora feels like she's repeating herself and she folds her arms, hands tucked into her armpits as she tries to think of something to say. ]

I just - I didn't want to lose you.

[ Again. Permanently. ]

[heterochrocatic]

So what if she did?

[ Catra snaps her reply. Better to push Adora away than get her hopes up. Again. It's a conversation they've had before, and yet it keeps coming back around. Each time is similar. Each time Catra is peering at herself, unsure if she's worth any of the effort. ]

I'm not worth it, Adora. All I do is hurt people.

[ She is keenly aware of Tenten's presence. Perhaps it drives her to push harder than normal. ]

[princesspower]

You don't really think that.

[ Adora sounds small when she replies. What else does she say? ]

There's more to you than that! You can still - you're helping people here.

[heterochrocatic]

Don't tell me what I think, Adora.

[ It's the same cycle. Something drives them together, gives them a chance to bare their feelings... and Catra pushes away. It's too frightening to think of the idea of being rejected or that she might have to make an effort to be known and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means being hurt.

She learned that lesson the hard way through her whole life. ]

[princesspower]

[ Her expression twitches. ]

...I couldn't just let you die. I don't regret saving you. At all.

[ She glances away. She can't vocalize this. She doesn't know how. Figuring out how to frame this in terms of what she wants feels impossible because since when has what she personally wanted ever mattered? What she wants isn't important. It's saving the world. Saving other people. She doesn't deserve anything else if she can't do that. ]

I'm just... happy you're going to be okay.

[heterochrocatic]

[ Catra rolls onto her side, forcibly breaking her gaze from Adora's so she can stare at the wall. It's not fair. It's probably even a little cruel. But then, that's Catra. Her own pain keeps her from reaching out in a way that might help. She's trying, mostly, to be Adora's friend again but there are times it just hurts too much. ]

Yeah, you got to be the hero again. Good for you.

[princesspower]

[ Adora's expression registers shock and then a grim, angry determination. She leans over to grab Catra's shoulder and flip her back toward her. ]

You know what, Catra? Fine. If that's how you want it to be, it'll be that way. I'll just leave you alone and you never have to talk to me again if you don't want to. Happy?

[heterochrocatic]

[ Catra winces as she's rolled back over. Ow. That hurt. She glares sullenly at Adora. The threat is sharp and pointed. The same thing that Adora said to her descending the staircase from her punishment. She rits her teeth, ears flatten. ]

...That's not what I want.

[princesspower]

Then what do you want? Because I can't keep doing this!

[ And she also can't vocalize her own desires, because she's screwed up, too. Just in a different way. ]

[heterochrocatic]

I--

[ What she wants is for Adora to stay. For Adora to care. For Adora to feel the same way that Catra does. That can't happen though. Adora couldn't possibly want Catra. Not the way that Catra wants her. ]

I don't know.

[princesspower]

Catra...

[ Adora sighs, exhales. Like there's all this weight that she can't shrug off. ]

I'm not giving up on you. I never will. But I need to know that you're here, too. That you're... I don't know... that you want to stay, too.

[heterochrocatic]

[ This sucks. This really sucks. Catra grits her teeth. What is she supposed to say? How does she even deal with this? ]

I... want to stay.

[ Her heart feels tense and tight in her chest and she tries to curl in on herself. ]

I just don't want to ruin everything again.

[princesspower]

There's no way of knowing. But... I don't think you will. Not if you try. Not if we both do.

[ Adora's still half bent over Catra, watching her with a slightly mournful, slightly hopeful expression. ]

I... I won't leave you behind, Catra. I never did. I never wanted to.

[heterochrocatic]

Yeah, but you did!

[ Catra's voice isn't really angry. She just sounds tired now. Tired and sad and maybe a little annoyed. She scrunches her hand into the sheets of her bed. This is threatening to give her a headache. ]

Because you had this big, stupid destiny you had to fulfill. You never stop to think about anything. You just. Do whatever other people tell you to do because you need a purpose.

[princesspower]

Someone has to.

[ Adora's being stubborn. To her, it's the only way forward. ]

And I don't do it just because someone tells me to, Catra. I do it... because I have a responsibility. I have that power. So I need to use it.

[ She tries to take Catra's hand. ]

[heterochrocatic]

Why does that someone always have to be you?

[ Catra feels Adora's hand brush hers and there's a moment of hesitation before she tugs it away. She bristles. ]

You asked me what I wanted, so what do you want? Really. Not what you think you have to do! What you want!

[princesspower]

I-

[ Adora freezes for a moment. She doesn't know what she wants, she wants to say, but that would be a lie, wouldn't it? She knows what she wants. She just doesn't think she deserves it or that she can have it. Not while there's still a world to save and fighting to do. She doesn't deserve Catra or anything else unless she's putting herself on the line. And maybe not even then. Maybe she has to die to earn any of that.]

It doesn't matter what I want.

[ I want you she wants to yell, but she can't. That's impossible, isn't it? ]

[heterochrocatic]

Yes it does, you idiot!

[ They're probably drawing attention by now and poor Tenten has to sit and listen to this nonsense, but Catra is too tired and weary too care. She hurts too much in too many ways. ]

You matter! What you want matters! So tell me what you want from me! All you do is give up yourself for other people. Be selfish for once!

[princesspower]

Catra-

[ Adora feels like her throat is closing up. She doesn't have a good way out of this. ]

I can't!

[ What else can she say? ]

No one else - no one else can do what I do. I want - I want to be able to spend more time with you so badly. I want more time for us. But I don't get to have that. That's why it doesn't matter.

[heterochrocatic]

If you actually wanted it you could have it!

[ Catra sits up, probably a little too fast. She lifts a hand to the side of her head as she feels light-headed and dizzy all at once. She sways, but manages to keep herself upright. ]

I'm not going to sit by and watch you destroy yourself for other people, Adora. I can't do that. I won't. You deserve to let yourself be selfish for once!

[ Choose me. That's all Catra wants to ask. But she can't make herself say it in so many words. ]

Choose something for yourself!

[princesspower]

I want to choose you.

[ She said it. She actually said it.

Help. ]

But I also can't... turn my back on everything.

[heterochrocatic]

Then choose me! That's all I've ever wanted from you, Adora.

[ It hurts to speak. Everything hurts. Adora isn't willing to take that last step, to say that she does choose Catra. She can only say that she wants to. And maybe that's just how Adora is. Saturday would tell her that it doesn't mean Adora wants to push her away. Catra hopes that Saturday would be right. She holds a hand out towards Adora, offering it. Pleading silently. ]

I... I love you. I always have. Please. Stay.

[princesspower]

I love you, too.

[ The words come spilling out before Adora can stop them. A rush that won't be stopped. She reaches out to take Catra's hand and squeeze.

There's a pause. ]

Love love?

[ She sounds a little dumbfounded. ]

You mean that, right?

[heterochrocatic]

[ Catra doesn't let herself get excited. Adora probably doesn't mean that-- ]

YES! Love! That kind of love!

[ She groans. ]

You're such an idiot.

[princesspower]

[ Adora squeezes her hand tight. Maybe too tight. ]

I don't know what to say, I just - wow.

[ Wow. ]

I never knew. [ Obviously.