Mac Gives Dating Advice

[morebetter]

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

Comments

[greyerrant]

That actually does sound good. Though I am not aware of any bridges or stray dogs near the rig. I do have a question though. What if I am interested in a woman or at least think I am, how do I express this?

[morebetter]

I just told you. Break into her dorm, bust out some sick moves, show off what a prime, and I mean prime, slab of beef you are.

[greyerrant]

I think in this case that might cause her to try to kill me.

[morebetter]

Uh. She's a woman. I'm pretty sure her muscles are made of like, tissue paper.

[greyerrant]

She is a trained soldier and a psyker. While I am physically able to best her in combat, I care about her, and she could probably kill me with her mind. And as a trained soldier, I can tell you my own reaction to someone infiltrating my place of rest would be... aggressive.

[71lines]

Hey, uh, Loken?

Everyone can see this. Not just him.

[greyerrant]

How much everyone do you mean. Is this an open vox and video?

[71lines]

Yes.

[greyerrant]

This was probably unwise.

[morebetter]

Women can't be soldiers. I guess they can be psychics, but that's witchcraft, and you should be able to pray against that, bro.

[greyerrant]

I shall let you tell her that yourself, I will admit I am curious as to what would transpire.

But that is an unworthy thought. As for prayer, while I have been told there is some efficacy in facing down witchcraft with faith, I do not pray, nor do I have faith as one would traditionally understand it. I am aggressively secular, you might say.

uh oh

[morebetter]

Oh my God.

I can convert you!

Re: uh oh

[greyerrant]

I think it would be best if we returned to the question at hand.

[morebetter]

Which is, who died for your sins?

[greyerrant]

Is this a rhetorical question?

[morebetter]

It was Jesus, dumb████.

[greyerrant]

I do not share your superstitions. And I will not be proselytized to. Good day, Mac. I hope when we speak again you are more understanding of the nature of our conversations.

[ Loken disconnects ]

[valkywhee]

Oooooooooooh.

Is she cute?

[Despite the incredibly limited pool of people it could be, Nora has not figured it out, because, let's be real, Nora's pretty dumb.]

[greyerrant]

I do not think it is wise to speak about this with you, my friend.

[valkywhee]

[What, you don't want Nora playing matchmaker? What could possibly go wrong?]

I can keep a secret!

[No she can't. Not when there aren't lives at stake, anyway.]

[greyerrant]

While I have no doubt of that, Tenten informed me we are on a live and shared feed.

[valkywhee]

Yeah, so? I didn't ask for a name.

[That comes later, when she corners him.]

[greyerrant]

There are not a whole lot of people on the rig, so people can make reasonable deductions from there.

[ Most would have already but Nora is Nora. ]

[valkywhee]

[She'll figure it out. Next week sometime.]

You should talk to her. I can tell you from experience, hinting doesn't work.

[greyerrant]

That makes sense. I'm not sure exactly how i feel though. And having a more... mortal body than previously makes this a bit strange.