Mac Gives Dating Advice

[morebetter]

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.

Comments

text;

[ragefeathers]

alternatively just have a personality and give them a bunch of orgasms and actually like women

[morebetter]

I have had TONS of orgasms. With lots of women. That's what this whole post is about.

Re: text;

[71lines]

Not that I don't think orgasms are valuable, but aren't there a few missing steps between "Having a personality" and "hours of orgasms"?

video

[greyerrant]

Have you attempted option two? It seems like it might frighten women instead of making them amenable to your protestations of affection.

Re: video

[morebetter]

I have! I did get a woman to follow me home from that, but she was the wrong one living in that house and she was... [Mac pulls a face.]

[zerofield]

Please do not assume Mac has any idea what he is talking about. Most women would not respond well to such an attempt.

[kingofneworleans]

[It's kinda hard to tell that it's Remy. Because he has his hand over his face. There is some under-the-breath muttering that's probably French, though, so that's probably a good hint.]

[After a moment, he puts his hand down with a sigh.]

One an' t'ree might be useful if all you want is a one-night stan', though better dat everybody know up front dat's all it is. Two is a good way to get de cops called on your ████.

[morebetter]

I mean, I've got priors, but not from that, so I'm going to say you don't really know what you're talking about.

video

[acroodawakening]

[Guy stares for a solid few seconds.]

That is the worst - the absolute worst - advice on finding a mate that I've ever heard.

The worst.

[morebetter]

Oh, yeah? Have you tried it?

Video

[just_rogue]

An' a real live woman has ever let you actually make physical contact with her, while she was conscious?

[ Cause she ain't buying it. ]

[morebetter]

Uh, yeah. I have the herpes to prove it.

[valkywhee]

Uh...

You okay?

[morebetter]

Why wouldn't I be? I'm doing great, actually, making visual presentations really gets me amped up.

video

[garmr]

You ever tried just talkin' to 'em?

[morebetter]

Their voices are really shrill.

[prairietroubador]

So...just a question. How many times would you say you've gotten a concussion over the years?

[morebetter]

[Mac counts on his hands.]

I'm gonna say seven.

[zerofield]

A good question, but I would also add: how many restraining orders have you accumulated?

[fromfryingpantofire]

[Dear God, Mac, how are you so...this?]

For the record, if anybody happens to be taking notes on...any of this? It's all a terrible idea.

[morebetter]

Genius is never recognized in its time.

[fuckcable]

Dating a guy who can kill you is worth so much more than missionary.

[ Ric doesn’t think Mac gets out much. Or has access to porn. ]

[morebetter]

I'm really talking more about getting laid than dating, honestly.

text

[passifloraincarnata]

I don't believe you've talked to women, Mr. Macdonald.

Also, I'm not convinced all of those words are actually in the English language.

Re: text

[morebetter]

English is just language that borrows lots of languages anyway.

[runes_brand]

Oh what the [BEEP], I heard human sex ed was bad but this is [BEEP]ing horrifying.

[morebetter]

Bestiality is against God!

video;

[bothbarrels]

Sounds like a lot of great advice if you're into getting a bunch of restraining orders taken out against you.

[morebetter]

I only have four!