morebetter: (Basic - That's the President)
Mac McDonald ([personal profile] morebetter) wrote in [community profile] piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm

Mac Gives Dating Advice

[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]

So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.

Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.

There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.

Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.

Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.



greyerrant: (Confused)

video

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 08:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Have you attempted option two? It seems like it might frighten women instead of making them amenable to your protestations of affection.
greyerrant: (Looking down.)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:03 pm (UTC)(link)
She was what? [ Loken prompts, his scarred face surprisingly open. He gets to learn secrets!]
greyerrant: (Oathsworn Protector)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Those honestly do not sound so bad. What is a rave though? Is it a type of revel or party?
greyerrant: (Squinty)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:15 pm (UTC)(link)
I shall grant that does sound unpleasant. What kind of parties do you prefer?
greyerrant: (Oathsworn Protector)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:18 pm (UTC)(link)
That actually does sound good. Though I am not aware of any bridges or stray dogs near the rig. I do have a question though. What if I am interested in a woman or at least think I am, how do I express this?
greyerrant: (Default)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:20 pm (UTC)(link)
I think in this case that might cause her to try to kill me.
greyerrant: (Garviportrait)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:34 pm (UTC)(link)
She is a trained soldier and a psyker. While I am physically able to best her in combat, I care about her, and she could probably kill me with her mind. And as a trained soldier, I can tell you my own reaction to someone infiltrating my place of rest would be... aggressive.
71lines: (009)

[personal profile] 71lines 2021-01-08 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Hey, uh, Loken?

Everyone can see this. Not just him.
greyerrant: (Oathsworn Protector)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:41 pm (UTC)(link)
How much everyone do you mean. Is this an open vox and video?

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greyerrant: (Default)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-08 09:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I shall let you tell her that yourself, I will admit I am curious as to what would transpire.

But that is an unworthy thought. As for prayer, while I have been told there is some efficacy in facing down witchcraft with faith, I do not pray, nor do I have faith as one would traditionally understand it. I am aggressively secular, you might say.

Re: uh oh

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valkywhee: (15 - 14)

[personal profile] valkywhee 2021-01-08 11:42 pm (UTC)(link)
Oooooooooooh.

Is she cute?

[Despite the incredibly limited pool of people it could be, Nora has not figured it out, because, let's be real, Nora's pretty dumb.]

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zerofield: (014)

[personal profile] zerofield 2021-01-09 03:44 am (UTC)(link)
Please do not assume Mac has any idea what he is talking about. Most women would not respond well to such an attempt.
greyerrant: (Default)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-12 02:54 am (UTC)(link)
This really has spun far out of control you know. I am feeling terribly awkward about even asking him anything as this is highly unusual for me, and a result of the altered state that being brought here has put me in.
zerofield: (007)

[personal profile] zerofield 2021-01-14 02:12 am (UTC)(link)
How has your normal state been altered?
greyerrant: (Oathsworn Protector)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-14 02:21 am (UTC)(link)
NOrmally I don't notice women at all [ And boy admitting that to Tio is even more awkward. ]
zerofield: (022)

[personal profile] zerofield 2021-01-16 12:04 am (UTC)(link)
Speaking from the position of having had to readapt to having emotions in the past, I can understand how that would be...awkward.
greyerrant: (Default)

[personal profile] greyerrant 2021-01-16 12:04 am (UTC)(link)
Very awkward.