Mac McDonald (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morebetter) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
morebetter) wrote in piper902021-01-08 12:07 pm
Mac Gives Dating Advice
[ooc: Mac's opt-out post, as this thread will undoubtedly contain misogyny, alcoholism, homophobia, etc, is here.]
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
So it’s come to this. Some of you have reached out to me, and I don’t blame you, for dating advice. I am, after all, very experienced in scoring with women, and they usually find me pretty irresistible as well, as the walk-in clinic can attest.
Anyways. I used to have a system called the “M.A.C.”, a.k.a. “Move in After Completion”, where I’d help my buddy seduce a chick by pretending to be the booksmart friend and then when he ghosted her, I’d go comfort-bang her, but it turns out that that got really old after a while because they’d like, cry all the time, and women are already gross and whiny enough before they’re crying, and also she’s expect you to read her poetry or something and that’s really gay. So I dropped that one. I guess I recommend it if you’re really into getting snot all over your shoulder and pretending you give a ████, but that’s a weird kink, bro.
There’s also one I’m pretty sure works, which is breaking and entering into someone’s house to make sure they know that you’ve scoped out the weaknesses in their security system and thus, are a more securer person than whatever idiot originally installed it. That demonstrates your mastery of protecting them. If you do it in the middle of the night, and you don’t wake them up, you can use that time in the morning to do some pushups or practice your karate or something so that when they come downstairs and see you, their first thought is holy ████, that dude is RIPPED, and I’m going to let him into my body’s ████ areas immediately.
Finally, the best dating advice I can give is to lie. Lie about everything. The more you lie, the more mysterious you are. If you lie, for example, about being a secret agent fighting the KGB, and they start to ask you what that’s like, you can look at them very seriously and go [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’ll just swoon in mystery. You don’t even have to lie about cool stuff. You can pretend you have a car and then say [putting on a serious, dark, movie-style voice again] “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you” and they’re going to assume you drive a flying Lambo for the mob that goes to space or something, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing sexier than having sex with someone you don’t trust and know nothing about who says he’s gonna kill you.
Anyway, apply literally any of these, and you losers will be swimming in ████ by sundown.
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You do realize you're sharing a living space with robots, aliens, werewolves, and a giant rabbit? Along with who knows what else?
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So is it okay if I sleep with someone? Just to be clear.
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What do you think?
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[Not that that's likely anyway, he's just making a point. He doesn't actually have any experience hooking up with humans, save one awkward teenage kiss with a person who shall not be named.]
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So why do you look human?
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And I got news for you, aliens don’t subscribe to the same God as you. Or... gods in general. I think I’ve got a few friends who were almost a god, but not capital G.
Anyway, chill out, man. Nobody’s making you kiss the green guy.
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Any god that wouldn’t take him isn’t worth the pearly gates.
video
Why would you even speak that mental image into the world?
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Because he’s acting like a total turd, and nobody even asked him about interspecies dating! He thinks you’re an it and not in a non-binary way. I didn’t mean you’d kiss him.
Re: video
This is me declaring a loud BLARGH to the world.
[That is not the expression of someone actually mad.]
Don't worry about the rampant xenophobia. I'm not. He's an imbecile.
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[ It’s a smidge forced, because Robbie is secretly dying to deliberately say something that can be perceived as flirting with Brainy, where Mac can see it to goad him.
At the same time, Jorgmund. Robbie hedges hard and leaves it for Querl to dictate the interpretation. ]
I think we should put something in the constitution about defending a teammate’s honor when we get back. I’m tired of not fighting this harder.
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It's a waste of energy.
Your time is much better engaged elsewhere.
[It could be just be fact or it could be subtle flirting.]
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[ There are several 80s songs that would be a delightfully cheesy fit. ]
Like what? When we aren’t needed, I’m at a loss for what to do. At least I’m medically cleared for strenuous activity again, did you see that? I’m actually looking forward to training tomorrow.
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[Ha ha no he didn't.]
We have a door now, by the way.
Video >> Action
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[This guy is a living headache.]